Riots and Looting

Jeff Savage writes:

Obviously rioting and looting is a laugh. It goes without saying that arson is too. But not when it happens in my home town! which is London or Kent or something.

(Doctor Pon adds: I saw some kids running down the street with stolen boxes of korma, jalfrezei, and vindaloo. I think they misunderstood when I said that some people were robbing Curry's)

So, it's the tories, yeah? They want to reform the NHS? You couldn't make it up! Reform it? They ought to burn the fucker down.

Dave Cameron? You couldn't make him up! He needs reforming. But his wife is another story, I'd happily reform her, and maybe a bit of arse-on wouldn't go amiss.

And Clegg wants to give free palaces to Muslim lesbian immigrants with the right to impose sharia law based on fiqh on their own land and 4.5 hectares surrounding it? You couldn't make it up!

So that's what caused the riots. And this is definitely true and I support or oppose them 100%.

Bring back hanging. It's too good for them.

Actually, no need to bring back hanging, as it's too good for them.

Now I'm going to loot Amazon by smashing my computer screen with a brick. So long fuckers!

Doctor Pon's guide to the economy

There has been a lot of talk about an inescapable world-wide depression lately. It seems a bit unlikely to me. Fair enough, we all get a bit down sometimes, but a world-wide depression? You couldn't make it up! Although, someone obviously has.

Anyway, there has been so much talk of economonys on the news recently, that one excellent blogger has labelled it "economy-porn". Therefore, here are some words you should know:

(the) Eurozone - where Frenchwomen loved to be touched

Double-dip - something to do in the Eurozone

Bounce-back - a last resort activity with a willing Frenchman if there are no willing Frenchwomen available

AAA rating - really soft XXX film

Quantitative easing - the effect a strong cup of coffee has when combined with a fried breakfast and a cigarette

Toxic loans - suppose your mate lends you some money, and you use it to buy a can of Special Brew. That's a toxic loan.

Keynesian endpoint - something he was very proud of

Tax - another word for pins

Debt ceiling - a roof made entirely from things that other people have lent you, and you're obliged to return

Interest rate - giving a grade out of ten for something that you paid attention to, probably on Facebook

Cash cow - the female equivalent of a cheque bull

GDP - Gross domestic products. In the case of Scotland, that's things like haggis and blood pudding.

Greenbacks - A type of frog

Tenner - the highest male voice within the modal register

Now that I have published the bestest A-Z of economic terms, I probably won't have time to write for this blog often, as I'm sure to be offered a job at The Economist. Probably editor.

So, all of you losers can kiss my lagrangian multiplier.

Typical Doctor Pon Blog reader

Google analytics suggests that the kind of person who enjoys reading this blog is likely to fit into one or more of the following categories:

1) a convicted felon and recidivist
2) an Evangelical Christian, Mormon, or Amish Mennonite
3) between 30 and 35 years old
4) a cat owner
5) speak English as a first language, but likely to also speak another language such as Esperanto
6) have arrived at this site by accident, while searching for articles about Christopher Hitchens
7) think that the joke about there being three types of people in the world is the best joke they know
8) is able to quote every line from any version of Bladerunner, but hates the film.

Please leave a comment if you fit more than 3 of these categories. There's really no need to comment if you fit only 1 or 2, as most people will find themselves in that situation.

Clever Satire

I made this.

If you think it's really good, which it obviously is, why not leave no comment?

Sceptic or Skeptic? / My problem with skepticism

To start with I need to declare an interest; I was born in England and I read the Guardian. I might be a socialist, but rest assured I am not trying to destroy America.

Recently, I have seen the word sceptic written as skeptic. Sceptic being the preferred British spelling, skeptic being American. (Why not read this aloud to a friend, and study their confused face?)

Does it matter though? Yes, because I think American English actually does make more sense. As an Englishman, and casual racist, that pains me. Sceptic looks a bit like septic, and that might cause some confusion. If I tell people via a written medium that I am a sceptic, and they thing I am a secptic, they might wonder how I could be a seventh degree equation, and could I be solved by factorizing into radicals, or not. (This won't be funny to most people, but I write for the love, not your amusement)

So from now on, I might use the odd American word or spelling, and gleefully neologize like those crazy Yanks do. However, I will use English pronunciations still, and change my spelling accordingly. My friend Leftenant Dixon from the Royal Core of Signals agrees this is a superb idea.

Now, my problem with skeptics is this: Why so much hostility to homeopaths? I believe that if a man loves a man or a woman loves a woman then they should be free to express it any way they choose, and shame on you all those who say otherwise!



Edit: Another linguistic misunderstanding: Doctor X told me one of his patients claimed his genital warts had gone sceptic, when what he actually meant was 'disgusting'.

Review of 2010

Lots of things happened in 2010. Here’s a selection of some things Doctor Pon has remembered and/or dreamt.

There was an election in the UK. Didn’t affect me though because it’s not as if I live in a country run by a loose-coalition of privileged idiots who are more concerned with maintaining their position than keeping their word.

In Iceland a volcano called fghughuirehigspsrtyuijn erupted which stopped a lot of planes flying. The heat from the eruption caused the global economic meltdown.

In the UK, a load of free-loading, stinking, lazy bastards started protesting because they might have to pay for something in future. Apart from the MPs being angry at expenses reform, students in London also got a bit pissed off, which makes a change from being pissed, which is their usual state.

Snow in the UK made everyone cold, floods where I live meant I had to roll my trousers up when riding my motorbike.

Oil leaked into the sea near America, and as all good Hollywood film directors know, behind every devious crime is an ENGLISHMAN.

Wikileaks published a load of cables. There’s probably a good joke about Vince Cable that I could put in here, or laying a cable which can mean having a shit. I’ll get a junior hack to think of it. One interesting leak was published concerning the Hanoi Mafia, also known more recently as the bia-hoi massive, and the Ox Gangsta Badboy Crew Unit. Due in no part to the Hanoi police, the Hanoi Mafia’s headquarters on that street by the lake have been completely demolished and replaced by a mobile phone shop. Ox ‘The Ox’ Smallboy, after definitively establishing himself as Mafia King (possibly by writing on his knuckles with a pen), has since disappeared. A competing Mafia member, known as ‘Red Matt’, is believed to have fled to America, after being bought by the CIA with promises of really big cars, conspicuous consumption, unnecessary neologisms, and something like 20 series of Law & Order. His current location is unknown, because America is really big.

Some miners got stuck underground in Chile, then got out. Then some miners got stuck underground in New Zealand, and no-one really paid any attention.

Prince William announced he would be getting married to someone, I’ll get a junior hack to get an even more junior hack to check who. I think her name is Annabella. The royal wedding will be on 29^th April next year, which is Phil Halson’s birthday.

I saw an elderly woman riding a motorbike balancing a bottle of water on her head. I don’t know why she was doing this, as there was a basket attached to the front of the bike.

Christopher Hitchens renounced his ‘foolish atheism’ and accepted Jesus as his true, all-redeeming savior. That’s a lie but he did announce that he had a type of cancer, and I didn’t want to make a joke about that. He is stoic, and possibly belligerent about it (I’ll get a senior junior hack to check what these words mean). Hitchens hasn’t got any hair as a result of his chemotherapy, whereas I have no hair because I am going bald prematurely. However, we are both great men.

Red vs Yellow Shirts

Doctor Pon sometimes lives in Amazing Thailand, but recently has been living in A-crazy-ing Thailand!!! (Ed: That pun is ace. Send it to Have I Got News For You).
CNN and the BBC have both received much criticism from local academics and local knob-ends alike for over-simplifying (BBC) and over-simplificationizing (CNN) the situation in their reports.
Doctor Pon agrees that both BBC and CNN should be ashamed, because their understanding of the real situation was woefully inadequate.
To try to address the balance, here am what Doctor Pon say:

Red Shirts:

Who are they? - Loose alliance of Manchester United and Liverpool fans. The alliance exists because in Thailand it's possible to claim to support one team, then just change teams when another team does better.

Why are they angry? - Both Liverpool and Manchester United refused to do a pre-season tour of Thailand unless certain conditions were met. Most conditions were met, but the stipulations that

"all players must acknowledge that Thailand is a peaceful society, and no disagreement exists between any Thais at all. If it does, then they aren't Thai. Or they are, but they're Communist or Muslim, which means they aren't Thai. Or they're dark-skinned."

and

"Western players and fans will be charged up to 10 times more than Thais for the price for a ticket. This does not apply to the richest Thais, who while most able to pay, will pay nothing at all, and will be given the best seats. "

were contentious.

While the stipulations that

"look like the many fans come because Thailand is very nice and beach and mountain but oohhh very hot sometime number 1! Where you go? I have taxi, lady massage very good good price"

and

"players must to funny about the football and don't serious"

could not be understood.

The red-shirts claim that Newcastle-born and Oxford-educated PM Abhisit Vejjajiva inserted these clauses himself, intentionally sabotaging the tour, and point to the fact that the grasp of idiomatic English is so precise, that it must have been written by a highly educated Thai.

Abhisit's response was to say: "Haddaway and shite man! All this clarting aboot like a bunch of chavvas. I divvent do no such thing! I cannae understand it man. It's like a spelk in ma cock."

Further comment came from (ED: Two paragraphs had to be removed because they may have meant a court case if anyone had made a complaint. You know the one. That complaint that anyone can make, without justification or evidence, and the police have to investigate it. That one. However, search Google cache, and you might still find it, but don't tell the government or police IT people if you do).


Yellow Shirts:

Who is he? : Sondhi Madeupsurnamesoidontgetshotakul, an angry Crystal Palace supporter from 1977-1980 for away games only, who resented the True tv provider for their shit coverage of all football games, and their announcement that they would only show world cup games with Thai commentary. Sondhi's knowledge was prophetic, and irrational.

Why was he angry? : I've just written the answer above.

What did he do? : Sondhi was a bit of a scamp, and got together with a few of his mates to get up to a bit of mischief, like invading Suwanapoom airport.


Black shirts:

Who they?: Angry referees who like grenades and arson. Don't suggest they are actually red shirts though or you'll be sent off.



So that's all you need to know about Thailand. Why not look for Doctor Pon's name on letters to The Nation? You'll find several, because The Nation prints any old shit, but in BIG LETTERS and with random colours.