Review of 2010

Lots of things happened in 2010. Here’s a selection of some things Doctor Pon has remembered and/or dreamt.

There was an election in the UK. Didn’t affect me though because it’s not as if I live in a country run by a loose-coalition of privileged idiots who are more concerned with maintaining their position than keeping their word.

In Iceland a volcano called fghughuirehigspsrtyuijn erupted which stopped a lot of planes flying. The heat from the eruption caused the global economic meltdown.

In the UK, a load of free-loading, stinking, lazy bastards started protesting because they might have to pay for something in future. Apart from the MPs being angry at expenses reform, students in London also got a bit pissed off, which makes a change from being pissed, which is their usual state.

Snow in the UK made everyone cold, floods where I live meant I had to roll my trousers up when riding my motorbike.

Oil leaked into the sea near America, and as all good Hollywood film directors know, behind every devious crime is an ENGLISHMAN.

Wikileaks published a load of cables. There’s probably a good joke about Vince Cable that I could put in here, or laying a cable which can mean having a shit. I’ll get a junior hack to think of it. One interesting leak was published concerning the Hanoi Mafia, also known more recently as the bia-hoi massive, and the Ox Gangsta Badboy Crew Unit. Due in no part to the Hanoi police, the Hanoi Mafia’s headquarters on that street by the lake have been completely demolished and replaced by a mobile phone shop. Ox ‘The Ox’ Smallboy, after definitively establishing himself as Mafia King (possibly by writing on his knuckles with a pen), has since disappeared. A competing Mafia member, known as ‘Red Matt’, is believed to have fled to America, after being bought by the CIA with promises of really big cars, conspicuous consumption, unnecessary neologisms, and something like 20 series of Law & Order. His current location is unknown, because America is really big.

Some miners got stuck underground in Chile, then got out. Then some miners got stuck underground in New Zealand, and no-one really paid any attention.

Prince William announced he would be getting married to someone, I’ll get a junior hack to get an even more junior hack to check who. I think her name is Annabella. The royal wedding will be on 29^th April next year, which is Phil Halson’s birthday.

I saw an elderly woman riding a motorbike balancing a bottle of water on her head. I don’t know why she was doing this, as there was a basket attached to the front of the bike.

Christopher Hitchens renounced his ‘foolish atheism’ and accepted Jesus as his true, all-redeeming savior. That’s a lie but he did announce that he had a type of cancer, and I didn’t want to make a joke about that. He is stoic, and possibly belligerent about it (I’ll get a senior junior hack to check what these words mean). Hitchens hasn’t got any hair as a result of his chemotherapy, whereas I have no hair because I am going bald prematurely. However, we are both great men.

Hanoi Mafia – What's going on?

The latest news from Hanoi suggests that the Hanoi Mafia have been replaced by an even more sinister gang known as 'The Pineapple Girls'.

The Pineapple Girls menace foreigners in Hanoi by attempting to sell small pieces of pineapple in tiny yellow plastic bags. If the foreigner does not want pineapple, they will immediately take their baskets and put it on the foreigner's shoulders with the words 'photo take photo photo photo you want photo'. They may also put a hat on the foreigner's head, possibly for their own amusement or maybe for a more sinister reason.

According to The Pineapple Girls' code of honour, a Pineappler (as a member is called) must follow a foreigner until the foreigner gives in and buys some pineapple, or until either she or the foreigner gets hit by a motorbike. It is believed that Pineapplers hustle over 20,000,000 'whiteys' every minute.

Hanoi has, quite literally, a lot of pineapples. This is because in August 2008 a pineapple grower from Queensland, Australia, called Geoff Handface agreed to sell his entire annual crop for the next 10 years to the Pineapple Girls of Hanoi. The agreed price was 1,000,000 dong. Geoff Handface agreed because he thought it was a lot of money. It's not.
However, Geoff Handface inserted a clause in the sales contract which stipulated that while the pineapples could be sold anywhere, they could not be called pineapples. Thus the Pineapple girls of Hanoi will approach foreigners using words such as 'pnnappler', ' pananap' and 'banaptle'.

Doctor Pon's informant in Hanoi approached leader of the Hanoi Mafia, Ox 'The Ox' Smallboy, to try to gather more information.

Informant: "Alright Ox? What's going on? Are you still mafia-ing things up?"
Ox: "You want bia hoi another one more?"
Informant: "Go on then. Don't mafia it up though"
(Ox walks away, to return in less than a minute with a glass of piss-like beer)
Informant drinks some beer, then shouts at 'The Ox': "Did you mafia this bia up?"
Ox: "You want bia hoi another one more?"
(repeats about five times – then informant leaves with no real information, but a happy feeling and a slightly light head)

Rumours suggest that the Hanoi Mafia is no longer a player in the underworld politics of Hanoi, but the groups to watch now are The Pineapple Girls and sometime collaborators The Old Women Selling Overpriced Hats Crew.

Vietnam - Mafia news

The Hanoi mafia seems to have been disbanded, after its head, "Fatty-boy Phil", renounced a life of crime to return to gardening. He has claimed that his real love has always been growing orchids, and only turned to crime 'for a bit of a laugh'.

However, there has been speculation that the real reason for ceasing operations is because of an internal power struggle. Beer-loving "Red Matt", generally acknowledged as being the second-in-command, had tried to seize control from Fatty-boy Phil.

This was unsuccessful, and Red Matt has since fled the country. It is possible that he is trying to get to the moon, because he believes in a prophecy which states that he will one day become its owner.

Red Matt had served ably, but fell out with Fatty-boy Phil because of disagreement over the use of 'mafia' as a verb.

Fatty-boy Phil insisted that 'to mafia things up' could be used without being grammatically incorrect, but Red Matt maintained that a better sentence was 'to increase the severity of a situation in a way befitting of the mafia'. Another prominent member, Ox "The Ox" Smallboy, had never commented on the grammaticality of the sentence, but it is believed that he would accept its validity, on condition that it was acknowledged as being a phrasal verb, not a verb by itself.

The conflict between Fatty-boy Phil and Red Matt got out of control last night after a few too many "bia hoi", and led to much name calling, and throwing of choco-pies (which are a bit like Wagon Wheels, but shit.) The pair then proceeded to mafia-things up between themselves.

Fatty-boy Phil apparently has bruised his leg, after a disastrous Klinsmann, which was meant as a show of strength. Red Matt is also believed to have taunted Fatty-boy Phil by repeatedly shouting "pile-on!" which made Fatty-boy Phil very tired, as he had an obligation to join every pile-on in accordance with the schoolboy code. There are rumours that Red Matt also used the rarer form of "bundle", but these are unsubstantiated.

The future of the Hanoi Mafia is uncertain, but it may once again rise under the leadership of Ox "The Ox" Smallboy. However, this may not happen as The Ox may not even be aware that he is a member.

News source: This blog, obviously.