Vietnam - Mafia news

The Hanoi mafia seems to have been disbanded, after its head, "Fatty-boy Phil", renounced a life of crime to return to gardening. He has claimed that his real love has always been growing orchids, and only turned to crime 'for a bit of a laugh'.

However, there has been speculation that the real reason for ceasing operations is because of an internal power struggle. Beer-loving "Red Matt", generally acknowledged as being the second-in-command, had tried to seize control from Fatty-boy Phil.

This was unsuccessful, and Red Matt has since fled the country. It is possible that he is trying to get to the moon, because he believes in a prophecy which states that he will one day become its owner.

Red Matt had served ably, but fell out with Fatty-boy Phil because of disagreement over the use of 'mafia' as a verb.

Fatty-boy Phil insisted that 'to mafia things up' could be used without being grammatically incorrect, but Red Matt maintained that a better sentence was 'to increase the severity of a situation in a way befitting of the mafia'. Another prominent member, Ox "The Ox" Smallboy, had never commented on the grammaticality of the sentence, but it is believed that he would accept its validity, on condition that it was acknowledged as being a phrasal verb, not a verb by itself.

The conflict between Fatty-boy Phil and Red Matt got out of control last night after a few too many "bia hoi", and led to much name calling, and throwing of choco-pies (which are a bit like Wagon Wheels, but shit.) The pair then proceeded to mafia-things up between themselves.

Fatty-boy Phil apparently has bruised his leg, after a disastrous Klinsmann, which was meant as a show of strength. Red Matt is also believed to have taunted Fatty-boy Phil by repeatedly shouting "pile-on!" which made Fatty-boy Phil very tired, as he had an obligation to join every pile-on in accordance with the schoolboy code. There are rumours that Red Matt also used the rarer form of "bundle", but these are unsubstantiated.

The future of the Hanoi Mafia is uncertain, but it may once again rise under the leadership of Ox "The Ox" Smallboy. However, this may not happen as The Ox may not even be aware that he is a member.

News source: This blog, obviously.

Vietnam - Sky / Fields / Sea

Doctor Pon is currently in Vietnam, doing serious research regarding the economic reforms of whenever it was.

Of concern to some tourists here is the fact that Vietnam has no sky. This is because it was traded for fields in 1987, as part of the doi moi reforms.
However, things were complicated when the fields began reproducing too quickly. The government decreed that there should be a one-field per family policy, and stray fields were culled. Following this, many of the now dead fields were recycled and turned into sea.
It was around this time that the value of fields increased, and thus Vietnam was able to trade some fields back for sky.

Now Vietnam has some permanent sky, and also borrows some from neighbouring Laos when officials and photographers for tourist magazines come to visit. As a gesture of goodwill, every year a representative of the government of Vietnam presents the Laos ambassador with a hat embrodiered with "Hanoi", and a load of postcards that he doesn't really want. It has become a custom that all representatives agree to be at the reception 'in five minutes' and it is considered a grave faux-pas to actually arive in five minutes, with one hour late being preferable.

All this information was supplied by a guy Doctor Pon met on a bus, and therefore Doctor Pon guarantees that it is true. People don't lie.

Now Doctor Pon is going to drink vodka on the street with some guys who will say quite threatening things like "if you don't drink this, then you had better leave".
Or perhaps that's what he did the other day