Jimmy Savile - An Update

Doctor Pon has not published anything for almost a year, as he has been the lead researcher in a project to determine whether dogs can look up or not (provisional conclusion is that they can, but this result is subject to peer-review and correction etc)

Anyway, a friend contacted Doctor Pon to say that probably he should comment on Jimmy Savile, because of the recent news.

Doctor Pon does not follow the news. Doctor Pon is the news.

Also, as Doctor Pon does not follow the news, he doesn't know why a comment on Jimmy Savile would be appropriate, and there is no possible way of finding out before publishing this post, because today Doctor Pon wants to try mixing coffee and nutella to make a delicious hazelnut-chocolate coffee.

So here is what Doctor Pon has to say (note to underling intern: please edit as appropriate)

Obviously I was surprised to find out about Jimmy Savile's past, as most people were, but it does seem apparent with hindsight. However, we should not be too keen to jump to conclusions, and should allow the police (and army if necessary) to conclude the investigation(s).

The fact that Jimmy Savile had been dead for many years before his second death was announced is confusing for a man of science (note to intern - please find a man of science to check this) who did not think this was possible.

But the explanation that the frightening looking, groaning old man was actually a zombie makes much more sense now. 

Psychic Sally - A big fat fraud?

Recently there has been some suggestion that Psychic Sally is 'a big fat fraud'.

Doctor Pon would like to make clear that he disagrees with this comment.

Psychic Sally is not fat.

Doctor Pon - King of Tetris?

Since 1998, Doctor Pon has been King of Tetris.

That is a fact.

Doctor Pon's Guide to the Economy - Updated

Doctor Pon got an excellent response to his first guide to the economy, so here it is again, in a slightly different order, with a few new bits added.

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There has been a lot of talk about an inescapable world-wide depression lately. It seems a bit unlikely to me. Fair enough, we all get a bit down sometimes, but a world-wide depression? You couldn't make it up! Although, someone obviously has.

Anyway, there has been so much talk of economonys on the news recently, that one excellent blogger has labelled it "economy-porn". Therefore, here are some words you should know:

(the) Eurozone - where Frenchwomen loved to be touched

Double-dip - something to do in the Eurozone

Bounce-back - a last resort activity with a willing Frenchman if there are no willing Frenchwomen available

AAA rating - really soft XXX film

Quantitative easing - the effect a strong cup of coffee has when combined with a fried breakfast and a cigarette

Toxic loans - suppose your mate lends you some money, and you use it to buy a can of Special Brew. That's a toxic loan.

Keynesian endpoint - something he was very proud of

Tax - another word for pins

Debt ceiling - a roof made entirely from things that other people have lent you, and you're obliged to return

Interest rate - giving a grade out of ten for something that you paid attention to, probably on Facebook

Cash cow - the female equivalent of a cheque bull

GDP - Gross domestic products. In the case of Scotland, that's things like haggis and blood pudding.

Greenbacks - A type of frog

Tenner - the highest male voice within the modal register

Stock market - a place to buy OXO cubes

Wall Street - Syntactical error found in essays of students studying English as a Foreign Language. Typical sentence might be "My friends and I kicked a football against the wall street, which had many graffitis on it"

Occupy - Pie made from octopus

Occupi - Circular pie made from octopus

Occupied - Someone who has eaten a pie made from octopus, or a circular pie made from octopus.

Occupy London - Part of a chain of octopus pie shops

Occupy protesters - People against consumption of octopuses in pies

Octopuses - The correct plural of octopus

Ock you, pie! - Angry exclamation made by a Yorkshireman who cannot produce unvoiced labiodental fricatives, shouted at a pie.

Cock-u-pie - 'Specialist' pie which was the inspiration for the film 'American Pie'

Greek crisis - saying 'No, the doctor managed to sort it out with some antibiotics' when your friends from North London ask if you have feta. 

George Osborne -(v) A threat made to small children to make them behave "If you don't tidy your room, I'll George Osborne your pocket money!" ; Friend of Natalie Rowe

If you enjoyed this, why not read it again? Doctor Pon enjoyed it, so he wrote it again.

This is the first in a series of Doctor Pon's Guides.

Trance Music - Just Noise?

Doctor Pon is not a musician, and would probably even struggle to differentiate between the late 90s European progressive euphoric trance, and the early 2000s Balearic progressive house! However, it has been proven by science comrades, that trance music is the best music to aid recovery from strokes and heart attacks, and all sorts of other stuff.
(Trance music here obviously refers to the electronic dance kind, not that new-age druggie shit.)
Doctors have also compiled a list of specific tracks to aid recovery for certain medical problems:

In this section I was going to write a list of obviously inappropriate song titles to listen to when dealing with a medical problem, but all I could think of was Massive Attack and Collapsed Lung, which are neither song titles, nor trance, so just make up your own.

L8rs Clubheads!

Palindromes

Like all good people, Doctor Pon likes palindromes.
The last sentence wasn't palindromic, but today is.

Enjoy it, you Gregorian bastards!!!!!!!

RIP Jimmy Saville

Jimmy Saville died recently, and that caused Doctor Pon much sadness.
When Doctor Pon heard the news, he was very sad. Sometimes when Doctor Pon thinks about Jimmy Saville, he is still sad.
Below is a time line of when Doctor Pon thinks he was the saddest:

Now    Then    Now    Then    Now    Then

Jimmy Saville did a lot of good work in his life, but if he had not been on tv, and you met him in a pub, you'd be suspicious.

Some facts, all definitely true:

He was the first man to use two turntables and a microphone.

He was a professional wrestler.

He got a starred first from Oxford in Politics, Philosophy, and Economics

He invented the toaster.

There is a small plastic model of him in a spirit house in Southern Thailand.

He could spin on his head.

Jim once 'fixed' an enemy of mine.

Once he knocked out Bob the builder for trying to muscle in on the 'fix it' gig.

He was good friends with Jon Bon Jovi, and recorded backing vocals on Blaze of Glory.

His real name was Jimul Ficksit.

He used to say he hated kids so people wouldn't accuse him of being a paedophile.

He taught Michael Jackson how to moon walk.

He taught Peter Jackson how to make films.

He taught Jack Johnson how to play one song on a guitar and keep repeating it and pretending it's a different song.

He hated pandas.

He painted hamsters.

He was the first man to tell the joke about the guy going to the library to get the book called 'how to commit suicide' and being told by the librarian that he couldn't borrow it as he wouldn't bring it back.

He began the Prachinburi river dolphin hoax.



Doctor Pon hopes you have enjoyed these facts.

Researched by Jason Bourne.            

Riots and Looting

Jeff Savage writes:

Obviously rioting and looting is a laugh. It goes without saying that arson is too. But not when it happens in my home town! which is London or Kent or something.

(Doctor Pon adds: I saw some kids running down the street with stolen boxes of korma, jalfrezei, and vindaloo. I think they misunderstood when I said that some people were robbing Curry's)

So, it's the tories, yeah? They want to reform the NHS? You couldn't make it up! Reform it? They ought to burn the fucker down.

Dave Cameron? You couldn't make him up! He needs reforming. But his wife is another story, I'd happily reform her, and maybe a bit of arse-on wouldn't go amiss.

And Clegg wants to give free palaces to Muslim lesbian immigrants with the right to impose sharia law based on fiqh on their own land and 4.5 hectares surrounding it? You couldn't make it up!

So that's what caused the riots. And this is definitely true and I support or oppose them 100%.

Bring back hanging. It's too good for them.

Actually, no need to bring back hanging, as it's too good for them.

Now I'm going to loot Amazon by smashing my computer screen with a brick. So long fuckers!

Doctor Pon's guide to the economy

There has been a lot of talk about an inescapable world-wide depression lately. It seems a bit unlikely to me. Fair enough, we all get a bit down sometimes, but a world-wide depression? You couldn't make it up! Although, someone obviously has.

Anyway, there has been so much talk of economonys on the news recently, that one excellent blogger has labelled it "economy-porn". Therefore, here are some words you should know:

(the) Eurozone - where Frenchwomen loved to be touched

Double-dip - something to do in the Eurozone

Bounce-back - a last resort activity with a willing Frenchman if there are no willing Frenchwomen available

AAA rating - really soft XXX film

Quantitative easing - the effect a strong cup of coffee has when combined with a fried breakfast and a cigarette

Toxic loans - suppose your mate lends you some money, and you use it to buy a can of Special Brew. That's a toxic loan.

Keynesian endpoint - something he was very proud of

Tax - another word for pins

Debt ceiling - a roof made entirely from things that other people have lent you, and you're obliged to return

Interest rate - giving a grade out of ten for something that you paid attention to, probably on Facebook

Cash cow - the female equivalent of a cheque bull

GDP - Gross domestic products. In the case of Scotland, that's things like haggis and blood pudding.

Greenbacks - A type of frog

Tenner - the highest male voice within the modal register

Now that I have published the bestest A-Z of economic terms, I probably won't have time to write for this blog often, as I'm sure to be offered a job at The Economist. Probably editor.

So, all of you losers can kiss my lagrangian multiplier.

Typical Doctor Pon Blog reader

Google analytics suggests that the kind of person who enjoys reading this blog is likely to fit into one or more of the following categories:

1) a convicted felon and recidivist
2) an Evangelical Christian, Mormon, or Amish Mennonite
3) between 30 and 35 years old
4) a cat owner
5) speak English as a first language, but likely to also speak another language such as Esperanto
6) have arrived at this site by accident, while searching for articles about Christopher Hitchens
7) think that the joke about there being three types of people in the world is the best joke they know
8) is able to quote every line from any version of Bladerunner, but hates the film.

Please leave a comment if you fit more than 3 of these categories. There's really no need to comment if you fit only 1 or 2, as most people will find themselves in that situation.

Clever Satire

I made this.

If you think it's really good, which it obviously is, why not leave no comment?

Sceptic or Skeptic? / My problem with skepticism

To start with I need to declare an interest; I was born in England and I read the Guardian. I might be a socialist, but rest assured I am not trying to destroy America.

Recently, I have seen the word sceptic written as skeptic. Sceptic being the preferred British spelling, skeptic being American. (Why not read this aloud to a friend, and study their confused face?)

Does it matter though? Yes, because I think American English actually does make more sense. As an Englishman, and casual racist, that pains me. Sceptic looks a bit like septic, and that might cause some confusion. If I tell people via a written medium that I am a sceptic, and they thing I am a secptic, they might wonder how I could be a seventh degree equation, and could I be solved by factorizing into radicals, or not. (This won't be funny to most people, but I write for the love, not your amusement)

So from now on, I might use the odd American word or spelling, and gleefully neologize like those crazy Yanks do. However, I will use English pronunciations still, and change my spelling accordingly. My friend Leftenant Dixon from the Royal Core of Signals agrees this is a superb idea.

Now, my problem with skeptics is this: Why so much hostility to homeopaths? I believe that if a man loves a man or a woman loves a woman then they should be free to express it any way they choose, and shame on you all those who say otherwise!



Edit: Another linguistic misunderstanding: Doctor X told me one of his patients claimed his genital warts had gone sceptic, when what he actually meant was 'disgusting'.

Review of 2010

Lots of things happened in 2010. Here’s a selection of some things Doctor Pon has remembered and/or dreamt.

There was an election in the UK. Didn’t affect me though because it’s not as if I live in a country run by a loose-coalition of privileged idiots who are more concerned with maintaining their position than keeping their word.

In Iceland a volcano called fghughuirehigspsrtyuijn erupted which stopped a lot of planes flying. The heat from the eruption caused the global economic meltdown.

In the UK, a load of free-loading, stinking, lazy bastards started protesting because they might have to pay for something in future. Apart from the MPs being angry at expenses reform, students in London also got a bit pissed off, which makes a change from being pissed, which is their usual state.

Snow in the UK made everyone cold, floods where I live meant I had to roll my trousers up when riding my motorbike.

Oil leaked into the sea near America, and as all good Hollywood film directors know, behind every devious crime is an ENGLISHMAN.

Wikileaks published a load of cables. There’s probably a good joke about Vince Cable that I could put in here, or laying a cable which can mean having a shit. I’ll get a junior hack to think of it. One interesting leak was published concerning the Hanoi Mafia, also known more recently as the bia-hoi massive, and the Ox Gangsta Badboy Crew Unit. Due in no part to the Hanoi police, the Hanoi Mafia’s headquarters on that street by the lake have been completely demolished and replaced by a mobile phone shop. Ox ‘The Ox’ Smallboy, after definitively establishing himself as Mafia King (possibly by writing on his knuckles with a pen), has since disappeared. A competing Mafia member, known as ‘Red Matt’, is believed to have fled to America, after being bought by the CIA with promises of really big cars, conspicuous consumption, unnecessary neologisms, and something like 20 series of Law & Order. His current location is unknown, because America is really big.

Some miners got stuck underground in Chile, then got out. Then some miners got stuck underground in New Zealand, and no-one really paid any attention.

Prince William announced he would be getting married to someone, I’ll get a junior hack to get an even more junior hack to check who. I think her name is Annabella. The royal wedding will be on 29^th April next year, which is Phil Halson’s birthday.

I saw an elderly woman riding a motorbike balancing a bottle of water on her head. I don’t know why she was doing this, as there was a basket attached to the front of the bike.

Christopher Hitchens renounced his ‘foolish atheism’ and accepted Jesus as his true, all-redeeming savior. That’s a lie but he did announce that he had a type of cancer, and I didn’t want to make a joke about that. He is stoic, and possibly belligerent about it (I’ll get a senior junior hack to check what these words mean). Hitchens hasn’t got any hair as a result of his chemotherapy, whereas I have no hair because I am going bald prematurely. However, we are both great men.

Red vs Yellow Shirts

Doctor Pon sometimes lives in Amazing Thailand, but recently has been living in A-crazy-ing Thailand!!! (Ed: That pun is ace. Send it to Have I Got News For You).
CNN and the BBC have both received much criticism from local academics and local knob-ends alike for over-simplifying (BBC) and over-simplificationizing (CNN) the situation in their reports.
Doctor Pon agrees that both BBC and CNN should be ashamed, because their understanding of the real situation was woefully inadequate.
To try to address the balance, here am what Doctor Pon say:

Red Shirts:

Who are they? - Loose alliance of Manchester United and Liverpool fans. The alliance exists because in Thailand it's possible to claim to support one team, then just change teams when another team does better.

Why are they angry? - Both Liverpool and Manchester United refused to do a pre-season tour of Thailand unless certain conditions were met. Most conditions were met, but the stipulations that

"all players must acknowledge that Thailand is a peaceful society, and no disagreement exists between any Thais at all. If it does, then they aren't Thai. Or they are, but they're Communist or Muslim, which means they aren't Thai. Or they're dark-skinned."

and

"Western players and fans will be charged up to 10 times more than Thais for the price for a ticket. This does not apply to the richest Thais, who while most able to pay, will pay nothing at all, and will be given the best seats. "

were contentious.

While the stipulations that

"look like the many fans come because Thailand is very nice and beach and mountain but oohhh very hot sometime number 1! Where you go? I have taxi, lady massage very good good price"

and

"players must to funny about the football and don't serious"

could not be understood.

The red-shirts claim that Newcastle-born and Oxford-educated PM Abhisit Vejjajiva inserted these clauses himself, intentionally sabotaging the tour, and point to the fact that the grasp of idiomatic English is so precise, that it must have been written by a highly educated Thai.

Abhisit's response was to say: "Haddaway and shite man! All this clarting aboot like a bunch of chavvas. I divvent do no such thing! I cannae understand it man. It's like a spelk in ma cock."

Further comment came from (ED: Two paragraphs had to be removed because they may have meant a court case if anyone had made a complaint. You know the one. That complaint that anyone can make, without justification or evidence, and the police have to investigate it. That one. However, search Google cache, and you might still find it, but don't tell the government or police IT people if you do).


Yellow Shirts:

Who is he? : Sondhi Madeupsurnamesoidontgetshotakul, an angry Crystal Palace supporter from 1977-1980 for away games only, who resented the True tv provider for their shit coverage of all football games, and their announcement that they would only show world cup games with Thai commentary. Sondhi's knowledge was prophetic, and irrational.

Why was he angry? : I've just written the answer above.

What did he do? : Sondhi was a bit of a scamp, and got together with a few of his mates to get up to a bit of mischief, like invading Suwanapoom airport.


Black shirts:

Who they?: Angry referees who like grenades and arson. Don't suggest they are actually red shirts though or you'll be sent off.



So that's all you need to know about Thailand. Why not look for Doctor Pon's name on letters to The Nation? You'll find several, because The Nation prints any old shit, but in BIG LETTERS and with random colours.

Guest Writer - Michelle Leslie Brown

All Pope do is front and lie.
Pope say he God's representative on earth and he infallible.

Jay: Hey Pope, you God's representative on earth and you infallible?

Pope: Yeah baby.

Jay: Pope Benedict?

Pope: Pope Benedict.

Jay: Pope Benedict the sixteenth, from the Holy See, that say mass in the crypt?

Pope: Pope Benedict the sixteenth, from the Holy See, that say mass in the crypt.

Jay: Pope Benedict the sixteenth, from the Holy See, that say mass in the crypt, who's infallible?

Pope: Pope Benedict the sixteenth, from the Holy See, that say mass in the crypt. I be infallible.

Jay: Then how come you don't be knowing about all them paedo priests?

Pope: I'm not that Pope Benedict the sixteenth, from the Holy See, that say mass in the
crypt, I'm the other Pope Benedict the sixteenth, from the Holy See, that say mass in the crypt.

Jay: Nigga, you the only one!

Pope: I got a cousin or some shit like that.

List of Toss-pots

One of Doctor Pon's friends working at the University of (EDIT) __________ has compiled a list of people who are ranked at least toss-pots.
The research had a sample size of 14,392 and was carried out by surveying UK citizens over the age of 18. Participants were asked to rate 50 people on a 9 point scale:

1 - Sound
2 - Safe
3 - Steady
4 - Alright
5 - Pixie
6 - Nimrod
7 - Drongo
8 - Toss pot
9 - Massive bell-end

Below is part of the list of people who scored 8 or 9, reproduced in an entirely arbitrary order.

Ann Widdecombe
The Pope
Tony Blair
Cherie Blair
Sarah Palin
Marlo Lewis Jr.
David Cameron
Cows
All future re-incarnations of David Cameron
The Pope again
George Bush (obviously)
Charles Moore
Ebeneezer Scrooge
Ebeneezer Goode
Piers Morgan
Most of the staff at the Daily Mail and Daily Express
Quite a lot of the staff at the Sun (but certainly not Kelly, 19, from Brighton)

These results won't surprise many people.

Ranked 1 or 2 (Sound or Safe) were only three people:

Dr Evan Harris
The ghost of Sir Ludovic Kennedy
Lassie

Christopher Hitchens was rated pixie, which is street slang for 'no strong opinions one way or the other'. In fact, there were very strong opinions, but the average rank was pixie.

No-one was ranked drongo, possibly because no-one was really sure what it meant. General opinion was that it was worse than nimrod, but not as bad as toss-pot.

This results of this study will be published in full in the journal Nature under the title :

Methylphenidate facilitates learning-induced amygdala plasticity

(or something similar, or entirely unrelated, or not published at all)

Apologies to Kay M Tye, Lynne D Tye, Jackson J Cone, Evelien F Hekkelman, Patricia H Janak & Antonello Bonci

Can dreams come true?

Doctor Pon hasn't slept for over a month.

This is because he has had terrible nightmares; one about being attacked by a never-ending army of zombie-soldiers armed with bowie knifes, and one about playing football against a team of infants and yet being unable to run whenever he gets the ball.

But the reason Doctor Pon hasn't slept is not the dreams themselves. It is actually because he passed a billboard of a construction company which advertised: "We build your dreams".

Now obviously Doctor Pon doesn't want those dreams mentioned built, so he has to stay awake so that the construction workers don't find out what his dreams are.

However, the dream about being an elephant that lives on the moon and eats nothing but dairy milk was good, so maybe going to sleep is worth the risk...

Because it's happy funny time, Doctor Pon has decided to take a break from the usual heavy-weight analysis, and have a laugh.

Today's joke:

Q) What's the difference between a hippopotamus and a helicopter?

A) A hippopotamus is a large, semi-aquatic animal, but a helicopter is a machine capable of flying!

Doctor Pon's Guide to Christmas

Doctor Pon is going to explode some Christmas myths.

Everybody thinks that Jesus was born in Bethlehem. However, Jesus was actually born in Dunstable.

Was his name really Jesus?
Probably not. More likely, the saviour of mankind's real name was Wayne.
The evidence for this comes from a popular hymn:
A Wayne in a manager / No crib for a bed.

Is there a historical basis for the belief in Jesus?
Ummm....
Why not attend the Alpha Course to find out?

Obituary - Samak Sundaravej

Samak Sundaravej, briefly Prime Minister of Thailand and leader of the People Power Party, died on 24th November 2009.
Samak was best known for his sharp tongue and love of cooking, but he also had an exceptional memory. It was exceptional because he was able to recall events in a way completely contrary to how they actually happened.
The obituary published in the Bangkok Post was shameful for its lack of courage, so here's a much better one:

http://www.guardian.co.uk/world/2009/nov/25/samak-sundaravej-obituary

You could mourn Samak, or you could be thankful that there's one less far-right cunt in the world.