Sunday, 26 December 2010

Review of 2010

Lots of things happened in 2010. Here’s a selection of some things Doctor Pon has remembered and/or dreamt.

There was an election in the UK. Didn’t affect me though because it’s not as if I live in a country run by a loose-coalition of privileged idiots who are more concerned with maintaining their position than keeping their word.

In Iceland a volcano called fghughuirehigspsrtyuijn erupted which stopped a lot of planes flying. The heat from the eruption caused the global economic meltdown.

In the UK, a load of free-loading, stinking, lazy bastards started protesting because they might have to pay for something in future. Apart from the MPs being angry at expenses reform, students in London also got a bit pissed off, which makes a change from being pissed, which is their usual state.

Snow in the UK made everyone cold, floods where I live meant I had to roll my trousers up when riding my motorbike.

Oil leaked into the sea near America, and as all good Hollywood film directors know, behind every devious crime is an ENGLISHMAN.

Wikileaks published a load of cables. There’s probably a good joke about Vince Cable that I could put in here, or laying a cable which can mean having a shit. I’ll get a junior hack to think of it. One interesting leak was published concerning the Hanoi Mafia, also known more recently as the bia-hoi massive, and the Ox Gangsta Badboy Crew Unit. Due in no part to the Hanoi police, the Hanoi Mafia’s headquarters on that street by the lake have been completely demolished and replaced by a mobile phone shop. Ox ‘The Ox’ Smallboy, after definitively establishing himself as Mafia King (possibly by writing on his knuckles with a pen), has since disappeared. A competing Mafia member, known as ‘Red Matt’, is believed to have fled to America, after being bought by the CIA with promises of really big cars, conspicuous consumption, unnecessary neologisms, and something like 20 series of Law & Order. His current location is unknown, because America is really big.

Some miners got stuck underground in Chile, then got out. Then some miners got stuck underground in New Zealand, and no-one really paid any attention.

Prince William announced he would be getting married to someone, I’ll get a junior hack to get an even more junior hack to check who. I think her name is Annabella. The royal wedding will be on 29th April next year, which is Phil Halson’s birthday.

I saw an elderly woman riding a motorbike balancing a bottle of water on her head. I don’t know why she was doing this, as there was a basket attached to the front of the bike.

Christopher Hitchens renounced his ‘foolish atheism’ and accepted Jesus as his true, all-redeeming savior. That’s a lie but he did announce that he had a type of cancer, and I didn’t want to make a joke about that. He is stoic, and possibly belligerent about it (I’ll get a senior junior hack to check what these words mean). Hitchens hasn’t got any hair as a result of his chemotherapy, whereas I have no hair because I am going bald prematurely. However, we are both great men.

Thursday, 1 July 2010

Red vs Yellow Shirts

Doctor Pon sometimes lives in Amazing Thailand, but recently has been living in A-crazy-ing Thailand!!! (Ed: That pun is ace. Send it to Have I Got News For You).
CNN and the BBC have both received much criticism from local academics and local knob-ends alike for over-simplifying (BBC) and over-simplificationizing (CNN) the situation in their reports.
Doctor Pon agrees that both BBC and CNN should be ashamed, because their understanding of the real situation was woefully inadequate.
To try to address the balance, here am what Doctor Pon say:

Red Shirts:

Who are they? - Loose alliance of Manchester United and Liverpool fans. The alliance exists because in Thailand it's possible to claim to support one team, then just change teams when another team does better.

Why are they angry? - Both Liverpool and Manchester United refused to do a pre-season tour of Thailand unless certain conditions were met. Most conditions were met, but the stipulations that

"all players must acknowledge that Thailand is a peaceful society, and no disagreement exists between any Thais at all. If it does, then they aren't Thai. Or they are, but they're Communist or Muslim, which means they aren't Thai. Or they're dark-skinned."


"Western players and fans will be charged up to 10 times more than Thais for the price for a ticket. This does not apply to the richest Thais, who while most able to pay, will pay nothing at all, and will be given the best seats. "

were contentious.

While the stipulations that

"look like the many fans come because Thailand is very nice and beach and mountain but oohhh very hot sometime number 1! Where you go? I have taxi, lady massage very good good price"


"players must to funny about the football and don't serious"

could not be understood.

The red-shirts claim that Newcastle-born and Oxford-educated PM Abhisit Vejjajiva inserted these clauses himself, intentionally sabotaging the tour, and point to the fact that the grasp of idiomatic English is so precise, that it must have been written by a highly educated Thai.

Abhisit's response was to say: "Haddaway and shite man! All this clarting aboot like a bunch of chavvas. I divvent do no such thing! I cannae understand it man. It's like a spelk in ma cock."

Further comment came from (ED: Two paragraphs had to be removed because they may have meant a court case if anyone had made a complaint. You know the one. That complaint that anyone can make, without justification or evidence, and the police have to investigate it. That one. However, search Google cache, and you might still find it, but don't tell the government or police IT people if you do).

Yellow Shirts:

Who is he? : Sondhi Madeupsurnamesoidontgetshotakul, an angry Crystal Palace supporter from 1977-1980 for away games only, who resented the True tv provider for their shit coverage of all football games, and their announcement that they would only show world cup games with Thai commentary. Sondhi's knowledge was prophetic, and irrational.

Why was he angry? : I've just written the answer above.

What did he do? : Sondhi was a bit of a scamp, and got together with a few of his mates to get up to a bit of mischief, like invading Suwanapoom airport.

Black shirts:

Who they?: Angry referees who like grenades and arson. Don't suggest they are actually red shirts though or you'll be sent off.

So that's all you need to know about Thailand. Why not look for Doctor Pon's name on letters to The Nation? You'll find several, because The Nation prints any old shit, but in BIG LETTERS and with random colours.

Wednesday, 7 April 2010

Guest Writer - Michelle Leslie Brown

All Pope do is front and lie.
Pope say he God's representative on earth and he infallible.

Jay: Hey Pope, you God's representative on earth and you infallible?

Pope: Yeah baby.

Jay: Pope Benedict?

Pope: Pope Benedict.

Jay: Pope Benedict the sixteenth, from the Holy See, that say mass in the crypt?

Pope: Pope Benedict the sixteenth, from the Holy See, that say mass in the crypt.

Jay: Pope Benedict the sixteenth, from the Holy See, that say mass in the crypt, who's infallible?

Pope: Pope Benedict the sixteenth, from the Holy See, that say mass in the crypt. I be infallible.

Jay: Then how come you don't be knowing about all them paedo priests?

Pope: I'm not that Pope Benedict the sixteenth, from the Holy See, that say mass in the
crypt, I'm the other Pope Benedict the sixteenth, from the Holy See, that say mass in the crypt.

Jay: Nigga, you the only one!

Pope: I got a cousin or some shit like that.

Friday, 19 March 2010

List of Toss-pots

One of Doctor Pon's friends working at the University of (EDIT) __________ has compiled a list of people who are ranked at least toss-pots.
The research had a sample size of 14,392 and was carried out by surveying UK citizens over the age of 18. Participants were asked to rate 50 people on a 9 point scale:

1 - Sound
2 - Safe
3 - Steady
4 - Alright
5 - Pixie
6 - Nimrod
7 - Drongo
8 - Toss pot
9 - Massive bell-end

Below is part of the list of people who scored 8 or 9, reproduced in an entirely arbitrary order.

Ann Widdecombe
The Pope
Tony Blair
Cherie Blair
Sarah Palin
Marlo Lewis Jr.
David Cameron
All future re-incarnations of David Cameron
The Pope again
George Bush (obviously)
Charles Moore
Ebeneezer Scrooge
Ebeneezer Goode
Piers Morgan
Most of the staff at the Daily Mail and Daily Express
Quite a lot of the staff at the Sun (but certainly not Kelly, 19, from Brighton)

These results won't surprise many people.

Ranked 1 or 2 (Sound or Safe) were only three people:

Dr Evan Harris
The ghost of Sir Ludovic Kennedy

Christopher Hitchens was rated pixie, which is street slang for 'no strong opinions one way or the other'. In fact, there were very strong opinions, but the average rank was pixie.

No-one was ranked drongo, possibly because no-one was really sure what it meant. General opinion was that it was worse than nimrod, but not as bad as toss-pot.

This results of this study will be published in full in the journal Nature under the title :

Methylphenidate facilitates learning-induced amygdala plasticity

(or something similar, or entirely unrelated, or not published at all)

Apologies to
Kay M Tye, Lynne D Tye, Jackson J Cone, Evelien F Hekkelman, Patricia H Janak & Antonello Bonci

Sunday, 21 February 2010

Can dreams come true?

Doctor Pon hasn't slept for over a month.

This is because he has had terrible nightmares; one about being attacked by a never-ending army of zombie-soldiers armed with bowie knifes, and one about playing football against a team of infants and yet being unable to run whenever he gets the ball.

But the reason Doctor Pon hasn't slept is not the dreams themselves. It is actually because he passed a billboard of a construction company which advertised: "We build your dreams".

Now obviously Doctor Pon doesn't want those dreams mentioned built, so he has to stay awake so that the construction workers don't find out what his dreams are.

However, the dream about being an elephant that lives on the moon and eats nothing but dairy milk was good, so maybe going to sleep is worth the risk...