Tuesday, 31 March 2009

Doctor Pon's Cock

Doctor Pon Reviews Films 1

Doctor Pon provides a synopsis and/or rates each film in 5 words or fewer. There is no logic or order to these reviews, but if you think you can see a connection, why not leave a comment? Say something like: "I can see a connection in Doctor Pon's film reviews"

Shaun of the Dead - Are zombies dead? Very good.

About Schmidt - About Schmidt.

Casino - Violence, and a casino.

King Kong - Big ape. Pile of shit.

Forrest Gump - War, shrimps, boats. Quite Good.

Crying Game - That’s not a girl! Good.

Lord of the Rings (all of them) - Rings, Hobbitts, Elephant things. Good.

Ghost Dog - Not about ghosts or dogs.

Taxi Driver - “You talkin’ to me?” Excellent.

Barton Fink - What the fuck is this?

The Big Lebowski - Something about a toe. Good.

Vera Drake - “Cup of tea dear?”. Good.

Maid in Manhattan - A crime against humanity.

Platoon - War, not cards, that’s pontoon.

Madagascar - Good, if you’re under 10.

Rescue Dawn - I’m an extra in it.

City of Ghosts - No ghosts (again) but good.

Tomb Raider - Crap film, nice tits.

Royal Tramp - Chinese comedy, reflects my roots.

Bringing Up Baby - A tiger, not a baby.

The Parole Officer - Steve Coogan, pretty lass. Funny.

Around the World in 80 Days - Kung-Fu and clowning around. Good.

Ali G in da House - Juvenile humour. I love it.

Crouching Tiger, Hidden Dragon - Misleading title, otherwise good film.

Titanic - Sorry, I haven't seen it.

Signs - Can't remember. Probably shit.

More soon, if Doctor Pon watches any more films. He might not though, because he's started watching Doctor Who on dvd, and there are loads of episodes.

Incidentally, Doctor Who is Doctor Pon's half-brother.

Monday, 30 March 2009

Doctor Poncast

The Doctor Poncast (like a podcast, but better) will be ready really soon.....
In the meantime, why not imagine what a cast of Doctor Pon's pods would look like?

Things to do

Buy a pharyngoscope.

Offend a close friend.

Steal from WH Smith.

Learn a new skill, for example knitting, and when you are suitably proficient, never use that skill again.

Buy a cd from Woolworths (or whatever shop has replaced it now that it doesn't exist), leave the shop, return within 2 minutes to exchange it for another cd. Repeat until security are called. When security arrive, start crying.

Study cryptozoology.

Flush the toilet, then say 'That's another 6 to 10 litres of water down the drain.' Then laugh.

Poke fun at dogs.

Poke a dog for fun (or a panda if no dogs are around)

Grow orchids.

Become an internet pirate. To do this, stick a modem up your arse, glue a parrot to your shoulder and say 'arrrhhh'. Also grow a wooden leg and hijack ships and / or internets.

Stare into the abyss.

Stand up when listening to Eminem. Do it often enough and eventually you'll stand up when he sings "Will the real Slim Shady please stand up?" Then you can claim to be the real Slim Shady. (Note: This would have been much easier above 5 years ago, when radio 1 seemed to play the song every hour or so. Still if you're an internet pirate (see above) then you can probably get the song anyway. Make sure you stand up though.)

Write a blog.

Pretend you come from Ireland, and your name is Pete Blogg.

Write a book about punctuation.

Seriously misunderstand the nature of language change.

Have a piss.

Really hate iTunes because it's such a resource hog, then buy a new computer and realise iTunes is actually really good.

Don't push me because I'm close to the edge.

Do some work instead of making up 'things to do lists' while sitting downstairs where the boss can't see you.


Doctor Pon is so tech savvy, that he's got his own blog.
He's not really sure what a blog is, but when he heard that a lot of people have blogs, he decided to get one too.
Apparently it's like a web-site, but without the programming.
As soon as Doctor Pon (the real one - this one) learns what a web site is, then he'll be laughing his pods off.