Sunday, 20 December 2009
Q) What's the difference between a hippopotamus and a helicopter?
A) A hippopotamus is a large, semi-aquatic animal, but a helicopter is a machine capable of flying!
Friday, 18 December 2009
Everybody thinks that Jesus was born in Bethlehem. However, Jesus was actually born in Dunstable.
Was his name really Jesus?
Probably not. More likely, the saviour of mankind's real name was Wayne.
The evidence for this comes from a popular hymn:
A Wayne in a manager / No crib for a bed.
Is there a historical basis for the belief in Jesus?
Why not attend the Alpha Course to find out?
Thursday, 26 November 2009
Samak was best known for his sharp tongue and love of cooking, but he also had an exceptional memory. It was exceptional because he was able to recall events in a way completely contrary to how they actually happened.
The obituary published in the Bangkok Post was shameful for its lack of courage, so here's a much better one:
You could mourn Samak, or you could be thankful that there's one less far-right cunt in the world.
Friday, 30 October 2009
He started by saying: "Doctor Pon, I trust you, you're not wrong, you're Doctor Pon", as this is the manner in which Doctor Pon should always be addressed. He then continued with his question:
"Is it ok to sleep with prostitutes?"
Think for a minute about your own answer.
It will no doubt be affected by myriad factors, for example:
- place of birth
- whether you can afford it
But try to think objectively. Laws on sleeping with prostitutes vary from country to country.
In some countries, sleeping with prostitutes is legal, as long as certain working conditions are met.
In other countries, sleeping with prostitutes is technically illegal, but tolerated.
In some countries, sleeping with prostitutes is illegal and not tolerated.
In other countries, sleeping with prostitutes is illegal and is corrupting the nation's youth, and is a foreign import, and never existed before the Vietnam war, and politicians and senior police are doing everything they can to make sure that all brothels are closed down by visiting them regularly (presumably on undercover missions).
So, Doctor Pon says that you should know the law. He can't comment on individual morality, but would like to give this final piece of advice:
You shouldn't sleep with prostitutes. It would be better value for money if you have sex with them instead.
Tuesday, 20 October 2009
During one of these sleepless nights, he had a great idea for a really funny article.
Unfortunately, he has forgotten what it was.
So you'll have to wait a bit longer for something funny.
Tuesday, 8 September 2009
While looking at his Face page Doctor Pon received an odd request from someone:
Hi Doc Pon,
My name's Jenni. I'm a hot 22 year old from Miami. Wanna play bum games with me?
Check out my website:
(address removed on advice of boring lawyer from boring USA because of boring legal issues)
Doctor Pon contacted Jenni with the following reply.
Thank you for contacting me.
I am interested in playing the aforementioned 'bum games' with you as it may be an interesting socio-economic experiment.
From casual observation only, I would suggest that in England, the homeless ('bums') rarely seem to play games at all, so I don't really know what the rules of a 'bum' game might be.
Does fighting count as a game? If so, I have in fact seen a few bum games taking place, but never participated.
If this is the bum game you wish to play, I don't think it would be fair, as aside from being the most cleverest man what I know, I also use to box during my time at Oxford.
I was quite the rough customer, I can tell you.
As you a young female who evidently suffers from the the effects of the heat in Miami (or else why would you be hot?), I don't think it would be a fair bout.
I wonder, are you yourself homeless?
If so, perhaps you would be better off saving money to stay in a shelter, rather than spending time and money maintaining a website and inviting a Doctor from England to come to play bum games with you.
Incidentally, I looked at the website and I think you must have sent me the wrong link, as it was all pornography. There was nothing about recreational activities amongst the homeless at all.
I look forward to your reply,
So far, Doctor Pon has received no reply, but he has been contacted by an African prince who has had to flee his country, and has carefully selected Doctor Pon to look after several million dollars for him until his case is heard at the International Court of Human Rights. After this, the money will be shared 60-40. If it was 50-50, Doctor Pon would be suspicious of a scam, but 60-40 seems reasonable.
Saturday, 29 August 2009
Saturday, 22 August 2009
This is because Hitchens, 84, is dismayed by the impact religion has on the world, and wants "to wake the believers up to smell the shit that is the real world"
"Religion is bollocks. Absolute, weapons-grade hide-it-and-send-in-Doctor-Hans-Blix-to-find-it bollocks. I hate religion.
God gets right on my tits. I haven't got tits, but it's a phrase, innit? So I want all the Christmases, Islams, Budhas, Hindoos to know that I don't agree with them.
People say I've got no respect - that's not true. I respect logic, reason and Scientology. Scientology's not a religion you see, it's fact.
I've said before that religion poisons everything; it's worse than beetroot. Religion turns your lettuce red and tastes a bit like potato boiled in acidic piss."
Hitchens revealed these words to Doctor Pon in a dream.
His books will be published in three parts.
Part 01 - God made a shit world full of shit people
(to be published in America as God did a fine job making the world, and the USA kicks ass! )
Part 02 - What a massive cult! : How religion has spread throughout the ages
Part 03 - Atheists are losers ... only joking, they're great (but God isn't, and Mother Theresa wasn't)
When asked for his opinion on Hitchens' work, respected literary critic, Buddha, said:
"Well, I may not agree with what he says, but he is very eloquent.
Because of this I shall buy his book, but when I go to the book shop I shall not go to town via the Kettering Road on the east side, nor Abington Road on the west side.
I shall take the Wellingborough Road, for it is the middle way."
*Doctor Pon's close friend, Nasir, insists that Christopher Hitchens is wrong and actually, God is great
Friday, 21 August 2009
But Doctor Pon didn't mention his views on taxing the unemployed, expanding airports, subsidising petrol for SUV drivers, cooking penguins or why the Daily Mail is the only newspaper you can trust.
If he had, there is a better than 65% chance that your head would have literally exploded.
Doctor Pon is a doctor, therefore his opinion is worth more than yours (unless you are a doctor too, then it's worth the same. Your opinion is worth twice as much if you have two doctorates, but not if they are honourary. If an honourary doctorate can be given to anyone, then what's the value? You might as well just call yourself doctor. See Ian Paisley or Gillian MacKeith for details)
Mad Paedo Whiteboy Wacko Hee-hee Jackson also had many controversial opinions, as did his namesake, superstar Michael Jackson. Doctor Pon's opinions on the latter seem to have caused much ire, constanation and gnashing of teeth.
Doctor Pon said "Michael Jackson wasn't a mad paedo".
This was listed as a controversial opinion, implying that everybody else thought that Michael Jackson was a mad paedo (at least thought it when he was alive.)
This was intended as satire, and a dig at all the hypocrites whose opinions of the man changed suddenly when he died (see all newspapers).
Doctor Pon apologises for any confusion caused, and apologises again to all those people who misunderstood.
To clear things up, once and for all:
obviously, Michael Jackson was a mad paedo.
Friday, 14 August 2009
Here are some of Doctor Pon's favourite comments taken from those sent to the website:
Ure a mad paedo not michael
Why can't you leave us to mourn our hero you imature man?
Michael wasn't a pediatrician, no matter what the papers said.
noone will be a better dance and sing like michael did he was a real hero not like some of those so called superstars wannabes more like michael jackson 4 ever
Who's bad? You are, you twat.
Michael may have had many problems, but let us not judge a man on his faults but on his achievements. For me at least he will be forever an innocent man-child.
man in the mirroe scared me as a child i thought it was about gosts. i don't like gosts but i seen one once in my beddroom i wish the gost of michael jackson would come back and haunt all those people who hated him and they are all jaealous becuase they cant moonwalk
I thought he was overrated, and frankly, everyone dies.
paedo or not, hes dead now
Wednesday, 5 August 2009
2) The Catholic Church, and especially the Pope, have some really good ideas.
3) Taxi drivers in Bangkok who are willing to take you for a fixed rate and not turn on the meter are doing you a really big favour.
4) Starburst is a better name than Opal Fruits.
5) Scientology isn't a cult.
6) Star Wars is rubbish, except the new ones which are really good.
7) Environmentalism is over-rated.
8) If global warming exists, why is my fridge still cold?
(Doctor Pon acknowledges that this is not an opinion as such, but perhaps you could read it as a rhetorical question, and try to find the implied meaning)
9) Breaking News! The Nation actually is a really good newspaper, because of the randomly coloured words in headlines.
10) Language change should be resisted.
Would you like to comment on Doctor Pon's controversial opinions. Doctor Pon welcomes your comments if you agree with him, if you don't, he'll probably abuse his power as web-master, master of the web, to delete what you have written. Then you can kiss his chuddies and jog on.
Thursday, 30 July 2009
Doctor Pon received a lot of e-mails asking to immediately desist from making further comment about Scientology, and to remove existing articles the may defame, or face legal action.
Doctor Pon was willing to go to court to fight his case, but it turns out he had spent several years training to be a barista, not a barrister, and therefore his knowledge of the laws of libel is quite limited and he is unlikely to be able to give a competent defence in court.
So, being as defiant as most British newspapers when it came to reprinted cartoons of Mohammed, Doctor Pon has complied.
An edited version of an earlier article is reprinted beneath with a few amendments.
Doctor Pon has not received any recent threats from the estate of Michael Jackson though, so expect more disrespectful articles about him soon!
Doctor Pon is a doctor. FACT.
Doctor Pon doesn't lie. FACT
Doctor Pon wouldn't tell lies, or even make stuff up, just for his own amusement or personal benefit. FACT.
And NO-ONE can accuse Doctor Pon of being
All this talk about Doctor Pon not even existing in a physical state, and just being a creation of a strange mind, should cease immediately.
Doctor Pon is as real as
(If you don't believe Doctor Pon isn't , or vice versa, why not go to , where you will meet them both. They used to be friends, but lost touch after , and all Doctor Pon wanted to do was wait for the invention of the internet so he could write a blog.)
P.S. In answer to the question in the title,
P.P.S. If you're wondering where Doctor Pon's authority to write about
Friday, 24 July 2009
Here's how you do it.
Tell your supervisor, Lorraine, that you think too many people are mixing business with pleasure, if you know what I mean, and there should be strict rules governing workplace relationships.
Demand a strict company policy on workplace relationships, and make a fuss until one is written and announced. It should say that any kind of romantic or sexual relationship within the workplace is absolutely forbidden.
Once the policy has been written and announced, hire an assistant called Deidre.
Invite Deidre on several romantic dates during work time, until warned not to by your boss, Lorraine. Make sure everybody knows that Lorraine is the reason why you can't have a relationship with Deidre.
Wait several years until Lorraine leaves the company, or retires.
Sing joyfully "I can see Deidre now Lorraine has gone"
Then go home and wonder what you could have done with your life that was more productive.
Saturday, 11 July 2009
You may have noticed from the title that this article is applicable only to people who have a job which meets certain conditions. To enjoy this article in its entirety, the conditions are outlined below:
First get a job at a factory which produces snack foods. One of the products must be called 'Memories' and should be available in at least these three flavours: savoury, sweet and spicy.
Then, work on the production line doing a reasonable job. Keep doing this until you get a boss called Lorraine.
When you start to work for Lorraine, argue with her at every opportunity.
Make your dislike of Lorraine publicly known.
Do a sub-standard job, yet manage to get a small office with glass sections, one of which you should sit behind.
Send out your sub-standard products to the public, knowing that they will be returned.
When you are summoned to see your boss, refuse to go and wait until she comes to your office.
When she comes to your office, lock the door and wait for her to bang on the window. This must continue until she displays the sub-standard product.
Then, and only then, can you stand up and sing:
"I can't stand Lorraine,
She hits my window,
Bringing back Sweet Memories"
(with apologies to Ann Peebles)
Wednesday, 8 July 2009
Anyone who thinks Doctor Pon should have written more, because he had a lot of free time, can jog on.
But now Doctor Pon is back with a head full of kraazy ideas, so expect something funny in a few days.
In the meantime, why not tell people to jog on?
Sunday, 7 June 2009
I haven't got no money = I have some money
In some languages, such as Russian, a double negative is still a negative.
However, there is no language wherein a double positive can form a negative."
Doctor Pon's not really that bothered though, because he doesn't pay tax in Britain. But he is slightly annoyed that he didn't think of becoming an MP to take advantage of it himself. Too late now.
Frankly, tax-paying Brits should be grateful. At least British MPs pretend that they are sorry and offer to repay the money.
In one medium sized Asian country (which rhymes with Pie-land) politicians usually treat becoming a law-maker as a right to steal.
Doctor Pon is sorry that this isn't particularly funny. It is true though.
Edit: Members of Parliament - MPs or MsP?
and for that matter GCsSE too.
Friday, 5 June 2009
For those of you who don't know what a Facebook is, it's a massive book full of human faces. You open an account, and when you die your face is physically removed and added to this book.
You have to invite friends to join so that they can verify that you are not dead.
Someone told Doctor Pon that Facebook is a film where John Travolta becomes Nicholas Cage, but that doesn't sound very likely. He might have been thinking of Saturday Night Fever, where John Travolta becomes a dancer.
Using his Facebook account, Doctor Pon thought it would be funny to invite not only his friend (who sometimes uses the pseudonyms Phat Millips or Red Matt) but also everyone else that he could find with the same name.
After about 4 requests, Doctor Pon got bored. However he was amused by the various captcha phrases which apperead, one of which was "Vietnam Hat".
Later on Doctor Pon tried again with a different name, adding a witty comment on each request.
One comment said "You look much bigger than you did at college. And didn't you used to be white? Perhaps you're a different Alex Dale from the one I knew" (name not changed to conceal identity)
Now not everyone realises that Doctor Pon is a cheeky scamp who loves nothing than a bit of mischief, and so the next day Doctor Pon recieved this reply:
Doctor Pon assumes he meant Fuck off.
And if so, it probably is the same person Doctor Pon knew from college.
If this article amused you, why not post a libelous comment?
Monday, 1 June 2009
It has taken Doctor Pon a while to type it, because he is lazy.
Some content has been edited to ensure Doctor Pon doesn't get in trouble with his girlfriend, his wife, or receive letters from various solicitors or Christopher Hitchens.
Richard Dawkins (RD): Hello?
Doctor Pon (DP): Hello, am I speaking to Richard Dawkins?
(RD): Ummm, no actually. Can't you tell from my voice? I'm obviously female. And can't you tell from the phone book entry on your mobile? The one that says ********, we were just talking about this. Is our whole relationship based on lies and ignorance?
(DP): No petal... Well, some of it may be. But you know I'm not very good at using a phone.
(not RD): Ask John to help. Is he there?
(DP): Yeah, he is. See you tonight then.
(not RD): Bye.
Second phone call
(RD): Yo, who dis is? Who dis?
(DP): It's yo' boy DP. Keepin' it real since back in the day. (continues like this for ages. Far too much to type)
(DP): So, would you challenge God to a fight?
(RD): I'm not a violent person really.
(DP): Could you beat Christopher Hitchens in an arm wrestle?
(RD): I think so, but only becuase he is always smoking. I would take advantage of addictive habit to distract him, or wait until he's out of breath.
(DP): Daniel Denett has got a great beard.
(RD): Yes. That's not really a question is it though Doctor?
(DP): OK, I'll rephrase it. Do you think Daniel Denett has got a great beard?
(RD): Fuck yeah!
(DP): Is God great?
(RD): Well, He's alright really. I just wrote those books as a bit of a laugh, just a bit of an in-joke between me, the Father and JC.
(DP): How about Vishnu?
(RD) Never met him.
The rest of this article has been cut for being libelous. Again.
Saturday, 30 May 2009
The Bible* (God, Prophets, Disciples, Angels et al): There is a God, and He is great
The Urban Bible (Doctor Pon, unpublished*): God's the main man, the illest brother, the realest, and you'd better recognise. (The) Word.
Big up to my boy JC.
Big up all the meek rude boys.
Keep it real on the Sabbath.
The God Delusion (Richard Dawkins): There's no God.
God is not Great (Christopher Hitchens): There's no God, and I've known that for ages, therefore I am the most cleverest man what I know.
Letters to a Christian Nation (Sam Harris): There's no God, and you're all stupid for thinking there is.
The Stuff of Thought (Steven Pinker): Isn't language great? Incidentally, it proves there's no God.
By Hook or By Crook (David Crystal): Isn't language great? And the bible serves as a useful example of how words that would otherwise have become archaic can survive in a modern language.
Words, Words, Words (David Crystal): Words, words, words.
Oxford English Dictionary: More words than even David Crystal.
Grotesque (Natsuo Kirino)***: Grotesque is ostensibly a crime novel by Japanese writer Natsuo Kirino, most famous for her novel Out. It was published in English in 2007, translated by Rebecca Copeland. Publisher Knopf censored the American translation, removing a section involving underage male prostitution, as it was considered too taboo for U. S. audiences.The book is written in the first person for all parts and follows a woman whose sister and old school friend have been murdered. The narrator of Grotesque is unnamed and forever lives under the shadow of her younger-by-a-year sister Yuriko, who is unimaginably beautiful and the center of all attention. The narrator hates her sister for reasons which remain more-or-less unclear throughout the novel and the writer leaves it to the reader to decide if the narrator's hatred is a product of jealousy or because Yuriko has turned to prostitution and disgraced the family name.
While the narrator is smart, responsible and plain looking, Yuriko is strikingly beautiful but flighty and irresponsible. Despite this, everyone is automatically drawn to Yuriko, who, as soon as she is old enough to realize her power on men, starts toying with one man after another, subsequently turning into a full time prostitute. As the novel progresses, the reader is introduced to many other characters with whom the narrator comes in contact at her highly prestigious Q High School.
With time, the narrator grows to hate everyone including all her classmates, her parents and all her co-workers. She is particularly spiteful when it comes to Yuriko and one of her classmates Kazue Sato.
When both Yuriko and Kazue turn into prostitutes, are murdered less than a year apart and in the same gruesome fashion, and the narrator comes in possession of their personal journals, her life is entwined with theirs and she uncovers truths which she never thought existed. The journals take her on a journey of self discovery where she finally realizes what she wants. She also adopts Yuriko's handsome but blind son, Yurio.
In the end, the narrator is seen treading the streets of Japan, looking for a customer as she delves into the mysterious and dark world of prostitution.
* Actually, the Bible is loads of books. Doctor Pon hasn't really read them all. He has just accepted what he was taught as a child without questioning it, and summarised it here.
** Possibly made up for the purpose of this blog
*** This summary stolen from Wikipedia. Why not check Wikipedia to see how Doctor Pon writes complete bollocks and posts these articles as if they were fact. See for example The three-tailed blind cat of East Northampton and Marvin Gaye: Gaye by name, gay by nature?
Friday, 29 May 2009
But is this fear caused by lack of knowledge of their mysterious and perhaps painful activities that take place when the sun goes down?
Doctor Pon investigates...
What is a bum bandit?
Bum bandit is a term which originated in 19th century America, and has recently been brought back into popular usage.
It refers to a homeless man who is a robber.
The British equivalent is tramp thief.
What do bum bandits do?
Bum bandits typically sit in shop doorways and ask passers-by for change for a cup of tea. If the passer-by stops to get some change, the bum bandit will steal their shoe laces. The unfortunate victim generally doesn't realise until much later.
In the early hours of each morning, a group of bum bandits (technically known as a band of bandits) will gather in a park and compare shoe laces. Then all laces are pooled and re-distributed evenly between members, and they are tied together to make small dogs or used as fake beards.
Bum bandit subcultures
There is a sub-culture of bum bandits will also attempt to steal jewelry worn on the hand. These people are known as ring pirates.
Another group will offer to do small gardening jobs for you at a seemingly reasonable cost, but on condition that your garden is on a slope and they begin at the bottom and work upwards. These people are known as uphill gardeners.
One group will wait in supermarkets and offer to put your shopping in bags for a small fee. However, they will leave most of the shopping at the till, and put only sugary snacks in bags. These people are fudge packers.
One group specialises in stealing clothes made for the upper-body. These people are shirt-lifters.
Finally, there is one man who will charge your American mate Harry 12 quid for 4 small bottles of Irn-bru. He is known as Mr Raj Patel who owns the little shop opposite Waterloo Station.
Friday, 15 May 2009
This is Doctor Pon's bestest film ever.
"When I first saw this I wept tears of joy. The second time I thought he should mafia it up a bit" Martin Scorsese
"Better than any Japanese manga"
"Melon's majesty proves there is a God after all"
"Just a squirrel, innit?"
Tuesday, 12 May 2009
It was from a Nigerian prince, who due to some back luck, has had to transfer millions of dollars away from his home country to an overseas account.
Doctor Pon was carefully chosen and found to be a trustworthy friend of this prince, and so the prince is going to to give the money to Doctor Pon, but only to look after, and then give Doctor Pon 20% of his riches once he is safe! All the prince needs is Doctor Pon's account details, mother's maiden name and home address, plus credit card number and signature.
But Doctor Pon is no fool. He thought this could be a scam, and did his research.
He wrote an e-mail to the prince, asking "Is this a scam?".
The prince replied "Of course not, Jeremy, my trusted friend".
So now Doctor Pon is waiting to recieve millions.
By while waiting Doctor Pon thought that perhaps people would like to learn more about him. Perhaps they wouldn't, but Doctor Pon hasn't considered that.
Doctor Pon's real name is obviously not Doctor Pon.
Doctor is a title, not a name.
However, Doctor Pon did hear a story about an army couple whose surname was Perkins. They named their child Major.
He followed the family tradition and joined the army, hoping to be promoted up to Sergeant, thus Sergeant Major Perkins. However, he was a rubbish soldier, and after 22 years in the army, left as Lance-corporal.
Doctor Pon also heard a story about another couple whose surname was Andmechanicalengineers. They named their son Theroyalregimentofelectrical. He became a dentist.
Pon is Doctor Pon's first name and surname, because he's Indonesian, or if not Indonesian, he comes from somewhere where people use only one name. Maybe Vatican city?
The title of Doctor was awarded to him upon completion of the course of Keeping it real studies, from the University of Bolloxville, somewhere in America.
Doctor Pon learnt by post, because it was long before e-mail had been invented, way back in 2006.
The course cost $30 and his doctorate is certified as genuine by bad boy colleges for gangstaaaaas worldwide, recognised and acredited by the Federation of G Universites.
As well as becoming a doctor, the university gave him permission to big up his status for the next 20 years.
Doctor Pon also used to put MBE and KGB after his name, until he recieved a polite but firm letter from the British government, and a threat from a hard-looking Russian guy.
Doctor Pon has three sons:
Pon Pon (64),
Pon Pon Pon (24),
and Dave (3 months).
P.S. A prize for anyone who works out the pattern of line spacing in this document.
Suggestions in the comments box, unless you're scared.
Sunday, 10 May 2009
Saturday, 9 May 2009
He'll answer all your relationship (that's a euphemism for sex) questions without a trace of embarrassment.
His advice is the best you'll get, so if you need some help, ask Doctor X!
However, he can't guarantee that he won't steal posts from the Doctor Pon site now and then, and just change a few words and pretend it's all new content.
The site is so good, it has a warning from google.
If you want to be a good teacher, you've got to be able to make crap like that up without a moment's notice.
Doctor Pon can make you a better teacher, if you follow his ten tips:
1) Most kids are annoying, and frequently have snotty noses. Teach adults instead.
2) Noe how too spel.
3) Know your subject. For example, if you don't really understand how punctuation works, you shouldn't teach it. Write a book about how to use punctuation instead.
4) Videos and DVDs are not only good teaching aids, but also allow you to have a snooze for 20 minutes or so while the kids are distracted.
5) Kids will fight. Make it more entertaining by having bets in the staff room about who will fight and when.
6) About 10% of the children you teach will have a genuine interest in learning. Talk to their parents and try to have them moved to a private school.
7) Get a teaching assistant. Let them teach most of the time, but justify it by saying: "It's good for you to experience teaching in a friendly environment before you start out on your own."
8) Be possessive about your coffee cup.
9) Become a lefty. By this, I mean become left-handed, However, you should also have left-wing political views.
10) Count the days until retirement.
Friday, 8 May 2009
But sometimes you need to mafia it up a bit, and here's how to do it:
First go to a south London cafe that really should have been closed down by food hygiene inspectors years ago.
Walk in and say loudly: "Mornin' everyone" (say this at any time of day)
Greet the waiter/waitress with "Alright Eddie?"
A good waiter/waitress will respond with "Mustn't grumble, do I?" or "What? On my wages?" or something equally nonsensical.
Then the conversation should go something like this:
Eddie: "What you having then Phil? Usual is it?"
You: "Yes please Eddie."
Eddie: "Oh. ... What's that then?"
You: "Tell you what, I'll just have a cup of tea please. No sugar."
When the tea comes, loudly ask if there is any sugar in it. The answer should be no.
Later, loudly say: "I don't like sugar in my tea"
Then, put some sugar in your tea, loudly saying: "I'm putting sugar in my tea, even though I don't like it."
Repeat this step until your tea is mafia-ed up enough for you.
Repeat the whole process everyday, until you're recognised as a person who likes to mafia up their tea.
Tuesday, 5 May 2009
Yeah, that's right. Big Snoop Dogg all up in this interview man. Keeping it real with my man Doctor Pon. Shout out to my boys in Brooklyn, shout out to my crews in Cali (continues for 10 minutes - Ed)
So one day, way back in the day maybe 15 - 20 years ago, I see this white dude walking 'round my hood. I'm think ' Man, what's a white dude doing walking 'round my hood?" but you know big Snoop Dogg, he got time for all you mutha f**kas, so I said "Yo mutha f**ka, you want some of my crack?" And you know what he said? "No sir, I'm not gay"
Mutha f**ka, speaking like the goddam King of England or some sh*t. I said "No, mutha f**ka, I ain't talking about no ass crack, I be talking about crack crack"
But he didn't want no crack, fo' shizzle. He started talking all this crazy sh*t, making all this noise (probably English - Ed), talking real fast, and this car went by, stereo on real loud. So I'm hearing all this music, and all these words, and I thought "Yeah, I gotta record this shit".
About a week later, I traded my crack for a microphone, and started making all this noise, and sold records and broke records man. Now I'm a mutha-f**kin' millionaire.
And you dig my threads? That Doctor Pon G made me hip to this style. One day me and the Doctor were just chillin on the corner with a forty, when the mutha-f**kin sky starts making all this rain sh*t appear, well Doctor Pon, he dry because he's half duck or some sh*t, but my clothes all wet through. So the Doctor told me that he got some spare clothes in his car, but they really big 'cus Doctor Pon, he got to be like 3 metres tall or some sh*t, so they really baggy on me. But these ho's say my clothes look good. So I made Doctor Pon my adviser for clothes and sh*t. Check this out, I give him the job title of "Head G Nizzle". That's right man. He be the realest.
I ain't be rained on since, because I always carry an umbrella
Fo' the drizzle.
You know the moon landing? It was Doctor Pon man. He knows all about that space sh*t. Flying machines and rockets, man that brother's crazy.
He discovered the sun.
Yes. Well... Thank you very much for your time.
You know me. 'Sup.
Actually, now that your recording equipment is off, I'd like to apologise for all of the profanity that I used throughout the interview, it's just, that's what my fans expect. In fact it's very difficult to express myself eloquently in that limited style, but that's what has made me rich. I can't bite the hand that feeds me.
Actually, it's still recording
Yeah, yeah, Snoop Dogg's just jokin' for the mutha-f**kin' lstener. Talkin' all the proper English sh*t. I ought to pop an ass in your cap. I mean cap in your ass.
Friday, 1 May 2009
Wednesday, 29 April 2009
2) Don't split up
4) ... that's it.*
How to Don't split up (do you mean "How not to split up"? – ed)
It is important not to mafia things up too much (What are you talking about? – ed). If, for example, you tell your girlfriend that you will be home in an hour, you shouldn't be more than 3 hours late. If you are very late, you'll probably have to make your own tea, and who wants to do that?
When you finally do get home, make sure you're plenty drunk, then you won't really understand what she's saying, or the seriousness of the situation.
Contrary to all you were told in school, lying actually is much easier than telling the truth. Honesty is the best policy only if you want to get in trouble. Make your lie outrageous, so that your girlfriend loses patience and just goes to bed, then you can play with your dog for a few minutes before going to sleep on the sofa (it's easier than trying to get in bed next to your girlfriend).
Doctor Pon doesn't know quite why, but his experience tells him never to use any of these phrases again when returning home late at night:
"I was in the pub so that I wouldn't be in your way while you cleaned the house... and by the way you haven't done a very thorough job."
"Yeah I am late, but maybe you talk too much."
"The thing is, I enjoy drinking beer a lot."
"The truth is, there was an escaped tiger patrolling outside the pub door, so I couldn't leave. Eventually I thought, enough is enough, I miss my girlfriend, so I went outside and killed it with a packet of peanuts... Do you want a peanut, darling?"
"You waited three hours for me? I wait at least three hours for you every time we go out."
"Sorry I'm home late. A cup of tea would be lovely."
"I was watching the football. And before you say it – Yes, I do like football more than you"
"You look beautiful tonight... Not as beautiful as that lap dancer though."
"Do you remember what you said to me last time I came home this late and this drunk? Becuase I do so there's no need to say it again... Got any crisps?"
"Maybe you're the one who is three hours late."
"Sorry, I can't remember your name"
"I think your watch is wrong."
"I know, I know, but please calm down... Got any beer?"
"Time is a relative concept. Ask Einstein"
"I'm late AND I smell of beer? You're quite astute"
"Oh bollocks. I thought I was walking to the Red Lion. I must have come back here by mistake. Still you've caught me now."
"Sorry I'm late, darling, but I think you're over-reacting. My other girlfriend doesn't get nearly as angry as you do."
Doctor Pon also advises against repeating everything your girlfriend says, but using a high pitch voice. It is funny, not doubt about it, but females tend not to appreciate male humour properly.
More advice soon.
*Doctor Pon stole the "er ... that's it" bit from Private Eye. Everything else is a Doctor Pon original.
Monday, 27 April 2009
Therefore, Doctor Pon hereby challenges Bear Grylls to a fight.
Should Mr Bear agree, he will be given two cats, a piece of string, three shoes and a tin opener. He will then be given ten minutes to make a weapon out of these things.
Doctor Pon does not need any such tools, and will be armed only with a lion (or tiger if a lion is unavailable) and a team of hired thugs.
The fight will take place in a secret location on a secret date. Bear must use his skills to find out when and where, if he fails to do so then Doctor Pon is automatically the winner.
Also if Bear doesn't respond to this challenge, then that means Doctor Pon wins as well.
Finally, if Bear wins the fight, then he can claim, and use, the following title before his name:
"I am a real", and legally he must be addressed using his title and name by all who meet him.
If he loses, he must make doctor Pon a cup of tea WITHOUT USING TEABAGS (or a cup, unless it's real china).
So, Mr Grizzly, there's your challenge, Doctor Pon is waiting for your answer...
Saturday, 25 April 2009
The Pineapple Girls menace foreigners in Hanoi by attempting to sell small pieces of pineapple in tiny yellow plastic bags. If the foreigner does not want pineapple, they will immediately take their baskets and put it on the foreigner's shoulders with the words 'photo take photo photo photo you want photo'. They may also put a hat on the foreigner's head, possibly for their own amusement or maybe for a more sinister reason.
According to The Pineapple Girls' code of honour, a Pineappler (as a member is called) must follow a foreigner until the foreigner gives in and buys some pineapple, or until either she or the foreigner gets hit by a motorbike. It is believed that Pineapplers hustle over 20,000,000 'whiteys' every minute.
Hanoi has, quite literally, a lot of pineapples. This is because in August 2008 a pineapple grower from Queensland, Australia, called Geoff Handface agreed to sell his entire annual crop for the next 10 years to the Pineapple Girls of Hanoi. The agreed price was 1,000,000 dong. Geoff Handface agreed because he thought it was a lot of money. It's not.
However, Geoff Handface inserted a clause in the sales contract which stipulated that while the pineapples could be sold anywhere, they could not be called pineapples. Thus the Pineapple girls of Hanoi will approach foreigners using words such as 'pnnappler', ' pananap' and 'banaptle'.
Doctor Pon's informant in Hanoi approached leader of the Hanoi Mafia, Ox 'The Ox' Smallboy, to try to gather more information.
Informant: "Alright Ox? What's going on? Are you still mafia-ing things up?"
Ox: "You want bia hoi another one more?"
Informant: "Go on then. Don't mafia it up though"
(Ox walks away, to return in less than a minute with a glass of piss-like beer)
Informant drinks some beer, then shouts at 'The Ox': "Did you mafia this bia up?"
Ox: "You want bia hoi another one more?"
(repeats about five times – then informant leaves with no real information, but a happy feeling and a slightly light head)
Rumours suggest that the Hanoi Mafia is no longer a player in the underworld politics of Hanoi, but the groups to watch now are The Pineapple Girls and sometime collaborators The Old Women Selling Overpriced Hats Crew.
Saturday, 18 April 2009
However, there has been speculation that the real reason for ceasing operations is because of an internal power struggle. Beer-loving "Red Matt", generally acknowledged as being the second-in-command, had tried to seize control from Fatty-boy Phil.
This was unsuccessful, and Red Matt has since fled the country. It is possible that he is trying to get to the moon, because he believes in a prophecy which states that he will one day become its owner.
Red Matt had served ably, but fell out with Fatty-boy Phil because of disagreement over the use of 'mafia' as a verb.
Fatty-boy Phil insisted that 'to mafia things up' could be used without being grammatically incorrect, but Red Matt maintained that a better sentence was 'to increase the severity of a situation in a way befitting of the mafia'. Another prominent member, Ox "The Ox" Smallboy, had never commented on the grammaticality of the sentence, but it is believed that he would accept its validity, on condition that it was acknowledged as being a phrasal verb, not a verb by itself.
The conflict between Fatty-boy Phil and Red Matt got out of control last night after a few too many "bia hoi", and led to much name calling, and throwing of choco-pies (which are a bit like Wagon Wheels, but shit.) The pair then proceeded to mafia-things up between themselves.
Fatty-boy Phil apparently has bruised his leg, after a disastrous Klinsmann, which was meant as a show of strength. Red Matt is also believed to have taunted Fatty-boy Phil by repeatedly shouting "pile-on!" which made Fatty-boy Phil very tired, as he had an obligation to join every pile-on in accordance with the schoolboy code. There are rumours that Red Matt also used the rarer form of "bundle", but these are unsubstantiated.
The future of the Hanoi Mafia is uncertain, but it may once again rise under the leadership of Ox "The Ox" Smallboy. However, this may not happen as The Ox may not even be aware that he is a member.
News source: This blog, obviously.
Wednesday, 15 April 2009
Of concern to some tourists here is the fact that Vietnam has no sky. This is because it was traded for fields in 1987, as part of the doi moi reforms.
However, things were complicated when the fields began reproducing too quickly. The government decreed that there should be a one-field per family policy, and stray fields were culled. Following this, many of the now dead fields were recycled and turned into sea.
It was around this time that the value of fields increased, and thus Vietnam was able to trade some fields back for sky.
Now Vietnam has some permanent sky, and also borrows some from neighbouring Laos when officials and photographers for tourist magazines come to visit. As a gesture of goodwill, every year a representative of the government of Vietnam presents the Laos ambassador with a hat embrodiered with "Hanoi", and a load of postcards that he doesn't really want. It has become a custom that all representatives agree to be at the reception 'in five minutes' and it is considered a grave faux-pas to actually arive in five minutes, with one hour late being preferable.
All this information was supplied by a guy Doctor Pon met on a bus, and therefore Doctor Pon guarantees that it is true. People don't lie.
Now Doctor Pon is going to drink vodka on the street with some guys who will say quite threatening things like "if you don't drink this, then you had better leave".
Or perhaps that's what he did the other day
Sunday, 12 April 2009
Say things you don't mean.
Go on holiday.
Say that some things never change and that things aren't the way they used to be.
Show me the meaning of being lonely.
Find a pug, and take a picture of it. Then see how many pug related puns you can make.
Make sure your tv is pugged in.
Write a book, then go on a radio show to promote it and see how many pugs you can give it.
Get the beers in at the pug.
Give up writing pug puns.
Buy some eggs.
Teach Grandma to suck eggs.
Wear a red shirt and protest, or wear a yellow shirt and protest. Do the opposite of the other group, and claim it's for democracy.
Buy a dictionary and look up the word democracy.
Cause a traffic jam.
Cause a strawberry jam.
See if you can embarrass the PM.
Follow a religion, but don't live by its commandments if you don't like them.
Sunday, 5 April 2009
Is every sentence in this post a question?
No, not this one.
However, I'm not sure how funny that is, so expect a thorough investigation using this formula:
x-(o/h) = fuck
I can't find many mathematical symbols, so I just used a bit of punctuation instead. Probably makes no difference.
I'm not sure what the letters stand for either.
Note: Doctor Pon is a habitual liar. He has never met Russell Brand, and it is highly unlikely that Russell Brand said the above things (but it is possible).
Friday, 3 April 2009
"Vietnam has awarded the first four licences to companies wanting to offer high-speed 3G mobile phone services, promising millions of cellular phone users a better service by June, a state-run newspaper said."
That might be interesting if you know what 3G is. I don't, but my informant suggests it's a bad-ass hip-hop gangsta group (bunch of noise makers in baggy clothes).
It might be this though: GGG.
Or it might be a new drug.
Perhaps if I'd bothered reading past the word 3G I'd be able to work it out from context, unfortunately I didn't because I have the attention span of a cat.
But it's improving. I never used to be able to finish anything, but now I
Tuesday, 31 March 2009
Doctor Pon provides a synopsis and/or rates each film in 5 words or fewer. There is no logic or order to these reviews, but if you think you can see a connection, why not leave a comment? Say something like: "I can see a connection in Doctor Pon's film reviews"
Shaun of the Dead - Are zombies dead? Very good.
About Schmidt - About Schmidt.
Casino - Violence, and a casino.
King Kong - Big ape. Pile of shit.
Forrest Gump - War, shrimps, boats. Quite Good.
Crying Game - That’s not a girl! Good.
Lord of the Rings (all of them) - Rings, Hobbitts, Elephant things. Good.
Ghost Dog - Not about ghosts or dogs.
Taxi Driver - “You talkin’ to me?” Excellent.
Barton Fink - What the fuck is this?
The Big Lebowski - Something about a toe. Good.
Vera Drake - “Cup of tea dear?”. Good.
Maid in Manhattan - A crime against humanity.
Platoon - War, not cards, that’s pontoon.
Madagascar - Good, if you’re under 10.
Rescue Dawn - I’m an extra in it.
City of Ghosts - No ghosts (again) but good.
Tomb Raider - Crap film, nice tits.
Royal Tramp - Chinese comedy, reflects my roots.
Bringing Up Baby - A tiger, not a baby.
The Parole Officer - Steve Coogan, pretty lass. Funny.
Around the World in 80 Days - Kung-Fu and clowning around. Good.
Ali G in da House - Juvenile humour. I love it.
Crouching Tiger, Hidden Dragon - Misleading title, otherwise good film.
Titanic - Sorry, I haven't seen it.
Signs - Can't remember. Probably shit.
More soon, if Doctor Pon watches any more films. He might not though, because he's started watching Doctor Who on dvd, and there are loads of episodes.
Incidentally, Doctor Who is Doctor Pon's half-brother.
Monday, 30 March 2009
Offend a close friend.
Steal from WH Smith.
Learn a new skill, for example knitting, and when you are suitably proficient, never use that skill again.
Buy a cd from Woolworths (or whatever shop has replaced it now that it doesn't exist), leave the shop, return within 2 minutes to exchange it for another cd. Repeat until security are called. When security arrive, start crying.
Flush the toilet, then say 'That's another 6 to 10 litres of water down the drain.' Then laugh.
Poke fun at dogs.
Poke a dog for fun (or a panda if no dogs are around)
Become an internet pirate. To do this, stick a modem up your arse, glue a parrot to your shoulder and say 'arrrhhh'. Also grow a wooden leg and hijack ships and / or internets.
Stare into the abyss.
Stand up when listening to Eminem. Do it often enough and eventually you'll stand up when he sings "Will the real Slim Shady please stand up?" Then you can claim to be the real Slim Shady. (Note: This would have been much easier above 5 years ago, when radio 1 seemed to play the song every hour or so. Still if you're an internet pirate (see above) then you can probably get the song anyway. Make sure you stand up though.)
Write a blog.
Pretend you come from Ireland, and your name is Pete Blogg.
Write a book about punctuation.
Seriously misunderstand the nature of language change.
Have a piss.
Really hate iTunes because it's such a resource hog, then buy a new computer and realise iTunes is actually really good.
Don't push me because I'm close to the edge.
Do some work instead of making up 'things to do lists' while sitting downstairs where the boss can't see you.
He's not really sure what a blog is, but when he heard that a lot of people have blogs, he decided to get one too.
Apparently it's like a web-site, but without the programming.
As soon as Doctor Pon (the real one - this one) learns what a web site is, then he'll be laughing his pods off.