Recently there has been some suggestion that Psychic Sally is 'a big fat fraud'.
Doctor Pon would like to make clear that he disagrees with this comment.
Psychic Sally is not fat.
Wednesday 7 December 2011
Monday 28 November 2011
Thursday 24 November 2011
Doctor Pon's Guide to the Economy - Updated
Doctor Pon got an excellent response to his first guide to the economy, so here it is again, in a slightly different order, with a few new bits added.
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There has been a lot of talk about an inescapable world-wide depression lately. It seems a bit unlikely to me. Fair enough, we all get a bit down sometimes, but a world-wide depression? You couldn't make it up! Although, someone obviously has.
Anyway, there has been so much talk of economonys on the news recently, that one excellent blogger has labelled it "economy-porn". Therefore, here are some words you should know:
(the) Eurozone - where Frenchwomen loved to be touched
Double-dip - something to do in the Eurozone
Bounce-back - a last resort activity with a willing Frenchman if there are no willing Frenchwomen available
AAA rating - really soft XXX film
Quantitative easing - the effect a strong cup of coffee has when combined with a fried breakfast and a cigarette
Toxic loans - suppose your mate lends you some money, and you use it to buy a can of Special Brew. That's a toxic loan.
Keynesian endpoint - something he was very proud of
Tax - another word for pins
Debt ceiling - a roof made entirely from things that other people have lent you, and you're obliged to return
Interest rate - giving a grade out of ten for something that you paid attention to, probably on Facebook
Cash cow - the female equivalent of a cheque bull
GDP - Gross domestic products. In the case of Scotland, that's things like haggis and blood pudding.
Greenbacks - A type of frog
Tenner - the highest male voice within the modal register
Stock market - a place to buy OXO cubes
Wall Street - Syntactical error found in essays of students studying English as a Foreign Language. Typical sentence might be "My friends and I kicked a football against the wall street, which had many graffitis on it"
Occupy - Pie made from octopus
Stock market - a place to buy OXO cubes
Wall Street - Syntactical error found in essays of students studying English as a Foreign Language. Typical sentence might be "My friends and I kicked a football against the wall street, which had many graffitis on it"
Occupy - Pie made from octopus
Occupi - Circular pie made from octopus
Occupied - Someone who has eaten a pie made from octopus, or a circular pie made from octopus.
Occupy London - Part of a chain of octopus pie shops
Occupy protesters - People against consumption of octopuses in pies
Octopuses - The correct plural of octopus
Ock you, pie! - Angry exclamation made by a Yorkshireman who cannot produce unvoiced labiodental fricatives, shouted at a pie.
Cock-u-pie - 'Specialist' pie which was the inspiration for the film 'American Pie'
Greek crisis - saying 'No, the doctor managed to sort it out with some antibiotics' when your friends from North London ask if you have feta.
George Osborne -(v) A threat made to small children to make them behave "If you don't tidy your room, I'll George Osborne your pocket money!" ; Friend of Natalie Rowe
If you enjoyed this, why not read it again? Doctor Pon enjoyed it, so he wrote it again.
This is the first in a series of Doctor Pon's Guides.
Saturday 19 November 2011
Trance Music - Just Noise?
Doctor Pon is not a musician, and would probably even struggle to differentiate between the late 90s European progressive euphoric trance, and the early 2000s Balearic progressive house! However, it has been proven by science comrades, that trance music is the best music to aid recovery from strokes and heart attacks, and all sorts of other stuff.
(Trance music here obviously refers to the electronic dance kind, not that new-age druggie shit.)
Doctors have also compiled a list of specific tracks to aid recovery for certain medical problems:
In this section I was going to write a list of obviously inappropriate song titles to listen to when dealing with a medical problem, but all I could think of was Massive Attack and Collapsed Lung, which are neither song titles, nor trance, so just make up your own.
L8rs Clubheads!
(Trance music here obviously refers to the electronic dance kind, not that new-age druggie shit.)
Doctors have also compiled a list of specific tracks to aid recovery for certain medical problems:
In this section I was going to write a list of obviously inappropriate song titles to listen to when dealing with a medical problem, but all I could think of was Massive Attack and Collapsed Lung, which are neither song titles, nor trance, so just make up your own.
L8rs Clubheads!
Friday 11 November 2011
Palindromes
Like all good people, Doctor Pon likes palindromes.
The last sentence wasn't palindromic, but today is.
Enjoy it, you Gregorian bastards!!!!!!!
The last sentence wasn't palindromic, but today is.
Enjoy it, you Gregorian bastards!!!!!!!
Thursday 10 November 2011
RIP Jimmy Saville
Jimmy Saville died recently, and that caused Doctor Pon much sadness.
When Doctor Pon heard the news, he was very sad. Sometimes when Doctor Pon thinks about Jimmy Saville, he is still sad.
Below is a time line of when Doctor Pon thinks he was the saddest:
Now Then Now Then Now Then
Jimmy Saville did a lot of good work in his life, but if he had not been on tv, and you met him in a pub, you'd be suspicious.
Some facts, all definitely true:
He was the first man to use two turntables and a microphone.
He was a professional wrestler.
He got a starred first from Oxford in Politics, Philosophy, and Economics
He invented the toaster.
There is a small plastic model of him in a spirit house in Southern Thailand.
He could spin on his head.
Jim once 'fixed' an enemy of mine.
Once he knocked out Bob the builder for trying to muscle in on the 'fix it' gig.
He was good friends with Jon Bon Jovi, and recorded backing vocals on Blaze of Glory.
His real name was Jimul Ficksit.
He used to say he hated kids so people wouldn't accuse him of being a paedophile.
He taught Michael Jackson how to moon walk.
He taught Peter Jackson how to make films.
He taught Jack Johnson how to play one song on a guitar and keep repeating it and pretending it's a different song.
He hated pandas.
He painted hamsters.
He was the first man to tell the joke about the guy going to the library to get the book called 'how to commit suicide' and being told by the librarian that he couldn't borrow it as he wouldn't bring it back.
He began the Prachinburi river dolphin hoax.
Doctor Pon hopes you have enjoyed these facts.
Researched by Jason Bourne.
When Doctor Pon heard the news, he was very sad. Sometimes when Doctor Pon thinks about Jimmy Saville, he is still sad.
Below is a time line of when Doctor Pon thinks he was the saddest:
Now Then Now Then Now Then
Jimmy Saville did a lot of good work in his life, but if he had not been on tv, and you met him in a pub, you'd be suspicious.
Some facts, all definitely true:
He was the first man to use two turntables and a microphone.
He was a professional wrestler.
He got a starred first from Oxford in Politics, Philosophy, and Economics
He invented the toaster.
There is a small plastic model of him in a spirit house in Southern Thailand.
He could spin on his head.
Jim once 'fixed' an enemy of mine.
Once he knocked out Bob the builder for trying to muscle in on the 'fix it' gig.
He was good friends with Jon Bon Jovi, and recorded backing vocals on Blaze of Glory.
His real name was Jimul Ficksit.
He used to say he hated kids so people wouldn't accuse him of being a paedophile.
He taught Michael Jackson how to moon walk.
He taught Peter Jackson how to make films.
He taught Jack Johnson how to play one song on a guitar and keep repeating it and pretending it's a different song.
He hated pandas.
He painted hamsters.
He was the first man to tell the joke about the guy going to the library to get the book called 'how to commit suicide' and being told by the librarian that he couldn't borrow it as he wouldn't bring it back.
He began the Prachinburi river dolphin hoax.
Doctor Pon hopes you have enjoyed these facts.
Researched by Jason Bourne.
Wednesday 17 August 2011
Riots and Looting
Jeff Savage writes:
Obviously rioting and looting is a laugh. It goes without saying that arson is too. But not when it happens in my home town! which is London or Kent or something.
(Doctor Pon adds: I saw some kids running down the street with stolen boxes of korma, jalfrezei, and vindaloo. I think they misunderstood when I said that some people were robbing Curry's)
So, it's the tories, yeah? They want to reform the NHS? You couldn't make it up! Reform it? They ought to burn the fucker down.
Dave Cameron? You couldn't make him up! He needs reforming. But his wife is another story, I'd happily reform her, and maybe a bit of arse-on wouldn't go amiss.
And Clegg wants to give free palaces to Muslim lesbian immigrants with the right to impose sharia law based on fiqh on their own land and 4.5 hectares surrounding it? You couldn't make it up!
So that's what caused the riots. And this is definitely true and I support or oppose them 100%.
Bring back hanging. It's too good for them.
Actually, no need to bring back hanging, as it's too good for them.
Now I'm going to loot Amazon by smashing my computer screen with a brick. So long fuckers!
Monday 8 August 2011
Doctor Pon's guide to the economy
There has been a lot of talk about an inescapable world-wide depression lately. It seems a bit unlikely to me. Fair enough, we all get a bit down sometimes, but a world-wide depression? You couldn't make it up! Although, someone obviously has.
Anyway, there has been so much talk of economonys on the news recently, that one excellent blogger has labelled it "economy-porn". Therefore, here are some words you should know:
(the) Eurozone - where Frenchwomen loved to be touched
Double-dip - something to do in the Eurozone
Bounce-back - a last resort activity with a willing Frenchman if there are no willing Frenchwomen available
AAA rating - really soft XXX film
Quantitative easing - the effect a strong cup of coffee has when combined with a fried breakfast and a cigarette
Toxic loans - suppose your mate lends you some money, and you use it to buy a can of Special Brew. That's a toxic loan.
Keynesian endpoint - something he was very proud of
Tax - another word for pins
Debt ceiling - a roof made entirely from things that other people have lent you, and you're obliged to return
Interest rate - giving a grade out of ten for something that you paid attention to, probably on Facebook
Cash cow - the female equivalent of a cheque bull
GDP - Gross domestic products. In the case of Scotland, that's things like haggis and blood pudding.
Greenbacks - A type of frog
Tenner - the highest male voice within the modal register
Now that I have published the bestest A-Z of economic terms, I probably won't have time to write for this blog often, as I'm sure to be offered a job at The Economist. Probably editor.
So, all of you losers can kiss my lagrangian multiplier.
Sunday 1 May 2011
Typical Doctor Pon Blog reader
Google analytics suggests that the kind of person who enjoys reading this blog is likely to fit into one or more of the following categories:
1) a convicted felon and recidivist
2) an Evangelical Christian, Mormon, or Amish Mennonite
3) between 30 and 35 years old
4) a cat owner
5) speak English as a first language, but likely to also speak another language such as Esperanto
6) have arrived at this site by accident, while searching for articles about Christopher Hitchens
7) think that the joke about there being three types of people in the world is the best joke they know
8) is able to quote every line from any version of Bladerunner, but hates the film.
Please leave a comment if you fit more than 3 of these categories. There's really no need to comment if you fit only 1 or 2, as most people will find themselves in that situation.
1) a convicted felon and recidivist
2) an Evangelical Christian, Mormon, or Amish Mennonite
3) between 30 and 35 years old
4) a cat owner
5) speak English as a first language, but likely to also speak another language such as Esperanto
6) have arrived at this site by accident, while searching for articles about Christopher Hitchens
7) think that the joke about there being three types of people in the world is the best joke they know
8) is able to quote every line from any version of Bladerunner, but hates the film.
Please leave a comment if you fit more than 3 of these categories. There's really no need to comment if you fit only 1 or 2, as most people will find themselves in that situation.
Monday 28 March 2011
Clever Satire
I made this.If you think it's really good, which it obviously is, why not leave no comment?
Sunday 30 January 2011
Sceptic or Skeptic? / My problem with skepticism
To start with I need to declare an interest; I was born in England and I read the Guardian. I might be a socialist, but rest assured I am not trying to destroy America.
Recently, I have seen the word sceptic written as skeptic. Sceptic being the preferred British spelling, skeptic being American. (Why not read this aloud to a friend, and study their confused face?)
Does it matter though? Yes, because I think American English actually does make more sense. As an Englishman, and casual racist, that pains me. Sceptic looks a bit like septic, and that might cause some confusion. If I tell people via a written medium that I am a sceptic, and they thing I am a secptic, they might wonder how I could be a seventh degree equation, and could I be solved by factorizing into radicals, or not. (This won't be funny to most people, but I write for the love, not your amusement)
So from now on, I might use the odd American word or spelling, and gleefully neologize like those crazy Yanks do. However, I will use English pronunciations still, and change my spelling accordingly. My friend Leftenant Dixon from the Royal Core of Signals agrees this is a superb idea.
Now, my problem with skeptics is this: Why so much hostility to homeopaths? I believe that if a man loves a man or a woman loves a woman then they should be free to express it any way they choose, and shame on you all those who say otherwise!
Edit: Another linguistic misunderstanding: Doctor X told me one of his patients claimed his genital warts had gone sceptic, when what he actually meant was 'disgusting'.
Recently, I have seen the word sceptic written as skeptic. Sceptic being the preferred British spelling, skeptic being American. (Why not read this aloud to a friend, and study their confused face?)
Does it matter though? Yes, because I think American English actually does make more sense. As an Englishman, and casual racist, that pains me. Sceptic looks a bit like septic, and that might cause some confusion. If I tell people via a written medium that I am a sceptic, and they thing I am a secptic, they might wonder how I could be a seventh degree equation, and could I be solved by factorizing into radicals, or not. (This won't be funny to most people, but I write for the love, not your amusement)
So from now on, I might use the odd American word or spelling, and gleefully neologize like those crazy Yanks do. However, I will use English pronunciations still, and change my spelling accordingly. My friend Leftenant Dixon from the Royal Core of Signals agrees this is a superb idea.
Now, my problem with skeptics is this: Why so much hostility to homeopaths? I believe that if a man loves a man or a woman loves a woman then they should be free to express it any way they choose, and shame on you all those who say otherwise!
Edit: Another linguistic misunderstanding: Doctor X told me one of his patients claimed his genital warts had gone sceptic, when what he actually meant was 'disgusting'.
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