Saturday, 8 December 2012

Jimmy Savile - An Update

Doctor Pon has not published anything for almost a year, as he has been the lead researcher in a project to determine whether dogs can look up or not (provisional conclusion is that they can, but this result is subject to peer-review and correction etc)

Anyway, a friend contacted Doctor Pon to say that probably he should comment on Jimmy Savile, because of the recent news.

Doctor Pon does not follow the news. Doctor Pon is the news.

Also, as Doctor Pon does not follow the news, he doesn't know why a comment on Jimmy Savile would be appropriate, and there is no possible way of finding out before publishing this post, because today Doctor Pon wants to try mixing coffee and nutella to make a delicious hazelnut-chocolate coffee.

So here is what Doctor Pon has to say (note to underling intern: please edit as appropriate)

Obviously I was surprised to find out about Jimmy Savile's past, as most people were, but it does seem apparent with hindsight. However, we should not be too keen to jump to conclusions, and should allow the police (and army if necessary) to conclude the investigation(s).

The fact that Jimmy Savile had been dead for many years before his second death was announced is confusing for a man of science (note to intern - please find a man of science to check this) who did not think this was possible.

But the explanation that the frightening looking, groaning old man was actually a zombie makes much more sense now. 

Wednesday, 7 December 2011

Psychic Sally - A big fat fraud?

Recently there has been some suggestion that Psychic Sally is 'a big fat fraud'.

Doctor Pon would like to make clear that he disagrees with this comment.

Psychic Sally is not fat.

Monday, 28 November 2011

Doctor Pon - King of Tetris?

Since 1998, Doctor Pon has been King of Tetris.

That is a fact.

Thursday, 24 November 2011

Doctor Pon's Guide to the Economy - Updated

Doctor Pon got an excellent response to his first guide to the economy, so here it is again, in a slightly different order, with a few new bits added.


There has been a lot of talk about an inescapable world-wide depression lately. It seems a bit unlikely to me. Fair enough, we all get a bit down sometimes, but a world-wide depression? You couldn't make it up! Although, someone obviously has.

Anyway, there has been so much talk of economonys on the news recently, that one excellent blogger has labelled it "economy-porn". Therefore, here are some words you should know:

(the) Eurozone - where Frenchwomen loved to be touched

Double-dip - something to do in the Eurozone

Bounce-back - a last resort activity with a willing Frenchman if there are no willing Frenchwomen available

AAA rating - really soft XXX film

Quantitative easing - the effect a strong cup of coffee has when combined with a fried breakfast and a cigarette

Toxic loans - suppose your mate lends you some money, and you use it to buy a can of Special Brew. That's a toxic loan.

Keynesian endpoint - something he was very proud of

Tax - another word for pins

Debt ceiling - a roof made entirely from things that other people have lent you, and you're obliged to return

Interest rate - giving a grade out of ten for something that you paid attention to, probably on Facebook

Cash cow - the female equivalent of a cheque bull

GDP - Gross domestic products. In the case of Scotland, that's things like haggis and blood pudding.

Greenbacks - A type of frog

Tenner - the highest male voice within the modal register

Stock market - a place to buy OXO cubes

Wall Street - Syntactical error found in essays of students studying English as a Foreign Language. Typical sentence might be "My friends and I kicked a football against the wall street, which had many graffitis on it"

Occupy - Pie made from octopus

Occupi - Circular pie made from octopus

Occupied - Someone who has eaten a pie made from octopus, or a circular pie made from octopus.

Occupy London - Part of a chain of octopus pie shops

Occupy protesters - People against consumption of octopuses in pies

Octopuses - The correct plural of octopus
Ock you, pie! - Angry exclamation made by a Yorkshireman who cannot produce unvoiced labiodental fricatives, shouted at a pie.

Cock-u-pie - 'Specialist' pie which was the inspiration for the film 'American Pie'

Greek crisis - saying 'No, the doctor managed to sort it out with some antibiotics' when your friends from North London ask if you have feta. 

George Osborne -(v) A threat made to small children to make them behave "If you don't tidy your room, I'll George Osborne your pocket money!" ; Friend of Natalie Rowe

If you enjoyed this, why not read it again? Doctor Pon enjoyed it, so he wrote it again.

This is the first in a series of Doctor Pon's Guides.

Saturday, 19 November 2011

Trance Music - Just Noise?

Doctor Pon is not a musician, and would probably even struggle to differentiate between the late 90s European progressive euphoric trance, and the early 2000s Balearic progressive house! However, it has been proven by science comrades, that trance music is the best music to aid recovery from strokes and heart attacks, and all sorts of other stuff.
(Trance music here obviously refers to the electronic dance kind, not that new-age druggie shit.)
Doctors have also compiled a list of specific tracks to aid recovery for certain medical problems:

In this section I was going to write a list of obviously inappropriate song titles to listen to when dealing with a medical problem, but all I could think of was Massive Attack and Collapsed Lung, which are neither song titles, nor trance, so just make up your own.

L8rs Clubheads!

Friday, 11 November 2011


Like all good people, Doctor Pon likes palindromes.
The last sentence wasn't palindromic, but today is.

Enjoy it, you Gregorian bastards!!!!!!!

Thursday, 10 November 2011

RIP Jimmy Saville

Jimmy Saville died recently, and that caused Doctor Pon much sadness.
When Doctor Pon heard the news, he was very sad. Sometimes when Doctor Pon thinks about Jimmy Saville, he is still sad.
Below is a time line of when Doctor Pon thinks he was the saddest:

Now    Then    Now    Then    Now    Then

Jimmy Saville did a lot of good work in his life, but if he had not been on tv, and you met him in a pub, you'd be suspicious.

Some facts, all definitely true:

He was the first man to use two turntables and a microphone.

He was a professional wrestler.

He got a starred first from Oxford in Politics, Philosophy, and Economics

He invented the toaster.

There is a small plastic model of him in a spirit house in Southern Thailand.

He could spin on his head.

Jim once 'fixed' an enemy of mine.

Once he knocked out Bob the builder for trying to muscle in on the 'fix it' gig.

He was good friends with Jon Bon Jovi, and recorded backing vocals on Blaze of Glory.

His real name was Jimul Ficksit.

He used to say he hated kids so people wouldn't accuse him of being a paedophile.

He taught Michael Jackson how to moon walk.

He taught Peter Jackson how to make films.

He taught Jack Johnson how to play one song on a guitar and keep repeating it and pretending it's a different song.

He hated pandas.

He painted hamsters.

He was the first man to tell the joke about the guy going to the library to get the book called 'how to commit suicide' and being told by the librarian that he couldn't borrow it as he wouldn't bring it back.

He began the Prachinburi river dolphin hoax.

Doctor Pon hopes you have enjoyed these facts.

Researched by Jason Bourne.