Wednesday, 29 April 2009

Doctor Pon's relationship advice for heterosexual men

1) Find a girlfriend
2) Don't split up
3) er....
4) ... that's it.*

How to Don't split up (do you mean "How not to split up"? – ed)

It is important not to mafia things up too much (What are you talking about? – ed). If, for example, you tell your girlfriend that you will be home in an hour, you shouldn't be more than 3 hours late. If you are very late, you'll probably have to make your own tea, and who wants to do that?
When you finally do get home, make sure you're plenty drunk, then you won't really understand what she's saying, or the seriousness of the situation.

Contrary to all you were told in school, lying actually is much easier than telling the truth. Honesty is the best policy only if you want to get in trouble. Make your lie outrageous, so that your girlfriend loses patience and just goes to bed, then you can play with your dog for a few minutes before going to sleep on the sofa (it's easier than trying to get in bed next to your girlfriend).

Doctor Pon doesn't know quite why, but his experience tells him never to use any of these phrases again when returning home late at night:

"I was in the pub so that I wouldn't be in your way while you cleaned the house... and by the way you haven't done a very thorough job."

"Yeah I am late, but maybe you talk too much."

"The thing is, I enjoy drinking beer a lot."

"The truth is, there was an escaped tiger patrolling outside the pub door, so I couldn't leave. Eventually I thought, enough is enough, I miss my girlfriend, so I went outside and killed it with a packet of peanuts... Do you want a peanut, darling?"

"You waited three hours for me? I wait at least three hours for you every time we go out."

"Sorry I'm home late. A cup of tea would be lovely."

"I was watching the football. And before you say it – Yes, I do like football more than you"

"You look beautiful tonight... Not as beautiful as that lap dancer though."

"Do you remember what you said to me last time I came home this late and this drunk? Becuase I do so there's no need to say it again... Got any crisps?"

"Maybe you're the one who is three hours late."

"Sorry, I can't remember your name"

"I think your watch is wrong."

"I know, I know, but please calm down... Got any beer?"

"Time is a relative concept. Ask Einstein"

"I'm late AND I smell of beer? You're quite astute"

"Oh bollocks. I thought I was walking to the Red Lion. I must have come back here by mistake. Still you've caught me now."

"Sorry I'm late, darling, but I think you're over-reacting. My other girlfriend doesn't get nearly as angry as you do."

Doctor Pon also advises against repeating everything your girlfriend says, but using a high pitch voice. It is funny, not doubt about it, but females tend not to appreciate male humour properly.

More advice soon.

*Doctor Pon stole the "er ... that's it" bit from Private Eye. Everything else is a Doctor Pon original.

Monday, 27 April 2009

Doctor Pon vs Bear Grylls

Outdoor survival-expertist man Bear Grylls is no more a bear than I am a doctor.

Therefore, Doctor Pon hereby challenges Bear Grylls to a fight.

Should Mr Bear agree, he will be given two cats, a piece of string, three shoes and a tin opener. He will then be given ten minutes to make a weapon out of these things.
Doctor Pon does not need any such tools, and will be armed only with a lion (or tiger if a lion is unavailable) and a team of hired thugs.

The fight will take place in a secret location on a secret date. Bear must use his skills to find out when and where, if he fails to do so then Doctor Pon is automatically the winner.

Also if Bear doesn't respond to this challenge, then that means Doctor Pon wins as well.

Finally, if Bear wins the fight, then he can claim, and use, the following title before his name:
"I am a real", and legally he must be addressed using his title and name by all who meet him.

If he loses, he must make doctor Pon a cup of tea WITHOUT USING TEABAGS (or a cup, unless it's real china).

So, Mr Grizzly, there's your challenge, Doctor Pon is waiting for your answer...

Saturday, 25 April 2009

Hanoi Mafia – What's going on?

The latest news from Hanoi suggests that the Hanoi Mafia have been replaced by an even more sinister gang known as 'The Pineapple Girls'.

The Pineapple Girls menace foreigners in Hanoi by attempting to sell small pieces of pineapple in tiny yellow plastic bags. If the foreigner does not want pineapple, they will immediately take their baskets and put it on the foreigner's shoulders with the words 'photo take photo photo photo you want photo'. They may also put a hat on the foreigner's head, possibly for their own amusement or maybe for a more sinister reason.

According to The Pineapple Girls' code of honour, a Pineappler (as a member is called) must follow a foreigner until the foreigner gives in and buys some pineapple, or until either she or the foreigner gets hit by a motorbike. It is believed that Pineapplers hustle over 20,000,000 'whiteys' every minute.

Hanoi has, quite literally, a lot of pineapples. This is because in August 2008 a pineapple grower from Queensland, Australia, called Geoff Handface agreed to sell his entire annual crop for the next 10 years to the Pineapple Girls of Hanoi. The agreed price was 1,000,000 dong. Geoff Handface agreed because he thought it was a lot of money. It's not.
However, Geoff Handface inserted a clause in the sales contract which stipulated that while the pineapples could be sold anywhere, they could not be called pineapples. Thus the Pineapple girls of Hanoi will approach foreigners using words such as 'pnnappler', ' pananap' and 'banaptle'.

Doctor Pon's informant in Hanoi approached leader of the Hanoi Mafia, Ox 'The Ox' Smallboy, to try to gather more information.

Informant: "Alright Ox? What's going on? Are you still mafia-ing things up?"
Ox: "You want bia hoi another one more?"
Informant: "Go on then. Don't mafia it up though"
(Ox walks away, to return in less than a minute with a glass of piss-like beer)
Informant drinks some beer, then shouts at 'The Ox': "Did you mafia this bia up?"
Ox: "You want bia hoi another one more?"
(repeats about five times – then informant leaves with no real information, but a happy feeling and a slightly light head)

Rumours suggest that the Hanoi Mafia is no longer a player in the underworld politics of Hanoi, but the groups to watch now are The Pineapple Girls and sometime collaborators The Old Women Selling Overpriced Hats Crew.


Doctor Pon has changed the settings on this internetweb, so now you can leave as many facetious comments you like.
Go on. Try it.

Saturday, 18 April 2009

Vietnam - Mafia news

The Hanoi mafia seems to have been disbanded, after its head, "Fatty-boy Phil", renounced a life of crime to return to gardening. He has claimed that his real love has always been growing orchids, and only turned to crime 'for a bit of a laugh'.

However, there has been speculation that the real reason for ceasing operations is because of an internal power struggle. Beer-loving "Red Matt", generally acknowledged as being the second-in-command, had tried to seize control from Fatty-boy Phil.

This was unsuccessful, and Red Matt has since fled the country. It is possible that he is trying to get to the moon, because he believes in a prophecy which states that he will one day become its owner.

Red Matt had served ably, but fell out with Fatty-boy Phil because of disagreement over the use of 'mafia' as a verb.

Fatty-boy Phil insisted that 'to mafia things up' could be used without being grammatically incorrect, but Red Matt maintained that a better sentence was 'to increase the severity of a situation in a way befitting of the mafia'. Another prominent member, Ox "The Ox" Smallboy, had never commented on the grammaticality of the sentence, but it is believed that he would accept its validity, on condition that it was acknowledged as being a phrasal verb, not a verb by itself.

The conflict between Fatty-boy Phil and Red Matt got out of control last night after a few too many "bia hoi", and led to much name calling, and throwing of choco-pies (which are a bit like Wagon Wheels, but shit.) The pair then proceeded to mafia-things up between themselves.

Fatty-boy Phil apparently has bruised his leg, after a disastrous Klinsmann, which was meant as a show of strength. Red Matt is also believed to have taunted Fatty-boy Phil by repeatedly shouting "pile-on!" which made Fatty-boy Phil very tired, as he had an obligation to join every pile-on in accordance with the schoolboy code. There are rumours that Red Matt also used the rarer form of "bundle", but these are unsubstantiated.

The future of the Hanoi Mafia is uncertain, but it may once again rise under the leadership of Ox "The Ox" Smallboy. However, this may not happen as The Ox may not even be aware that he is a member.

News source: This blog, obviously.

Wednesday, 15 April 2009

Vietnam - Sky / Fields / Sea

Doctor Pon is currently in Vietnam, doing serious research regarding the economic reforms of whenever it was.

Of concern to some tourists here is the fact that Vietnam has no sky. This is because it was traded for fields in 1987, as part of the doi moi reforms.
However, things were complicated when the fields began reproducing too quickly. The government decreed that there should be a one-field per family policy, and stray fields were culled. Following this, many of the now dead fields were recycled and turned into sea.
It was around this time that the value of fields increased, and thus Vietnam was able to trade some fields back for sky.

Now Vietnam has some permanent sky, and also borrows some from neighbouring Laos when officials and photographers for tourist magazines come to visit. As a gesture of goodwill, every year a representative of the government of Vietnam presents the Laos ambassador with a hat embrodiered with "Hanoi", and a load of postcards that he doesn't really want. It has become a custom that all representatives agree to be at the reception 'in five minutes' and it is considered a grave faux-pas to actually arive in five minutes, with one hour late being preferable.

All this information was supplied by a guy Doctor Pon met on a bus, and therefore Doctor Pon guarantees that it is true. People don't lie.

Now Doctor Pon is going to drink vodka on the street with some guys who will say quite threatening things like "if you don't drink this, then you had better leave".
Or perhaps that's what he did the other day

Sunday, 12 April 2009


Doctor Pon enjoys RDA

More things to do

When someone says 'Thank you' to you, immediately shout at them "Don't say it if you don't mean it!"

Say things you don't mean.

Go on holiday.

Be unctuous.

Say that some things never change and that things aren't the way they used to be.

Show me the meaning of being lonely.

Find a pug, and take a picture of it. Then see how many pug related puns you can make.

Be pugnacious.

Make sure your tv is pugged in.

Write a book, then go on a radio show to promote it and see how many pugs you can give it.

Get the beers in at the pug.

Give up writing pug puns.

Buy some eggs.

Teach Grandma to suck eggs.

Wear a red shirt and protest, or wear a yellow shirt and protest. Do the opposite of the other group, and claim it's for democracy.

Buy a dictionary and look up the word democracy.

Cause a traffic jam.

Cause a strawberry jam.

See if you can embarrass the PM.

Follow a religion, but don't live by its commandments if you don't like them.

Pookie the Pug

Sunday, 5 April 2009

The 3rd Person

Have you noticed how Doctor Pon sometimes refers to himself as Doctor Pon, but sometimes I just use I? Strange that, isn't it? If you don't like these inconsistencies, why not write to Doctor Pon and tell him?

Is every sentence in this post a question?
No, not this one.

How funny is fuck?

Doctor Pon's close personal friend, Russell Brand, recently said that Doctor Pon is as funny as fuck.
However, I'm not sure how funny that is, so expect a thorough investigation using this formula:

x-(o/h) = fuck

I can't find many mathematical symbols, so I just used a bit of punctuation instead. Probably makes no difference.

I'm not sure what the letters stand for either.

Note: Doctor Pon is a habitual liar. He has never met Russell Brand, and it is highly unlikely that Russell Brand said the above things (but it is possible).

Russell Brand: "Doctor Pon is as funny as fuck"

Scruff bag weirdo Russell Brand said : "Doctor Pon is as funny as fuck"
So now you know.

Friday, 3 April 2009

News from Vietnam

Thanks to my close personal friend, Dr Phat Millips (PhD gangsta badness studies), for this tip off:

"Vietnam has awarded the first four licences to companies wanting to offer high-speed 3G mobile phone services, promising millions of cellular phone users a better service by June, a state-run newspaper said."

That might be interesting if you know what 3G is. I don't, but my informant suggests it's a bad-ass hip-hop gangsta group (bunch of noise makers in baggy clothes).

It might be this though: GGG.

Or it might be a new drug.

Perhaps if I'd bothered reading past the word 3G I'd be able to work it out from context, unfortunately I didn't because I have the attention span of a cat.
But it's improving. I never used to be able to finish anything, but now I