1) Find a girlfriend
2) Don't split up
3) er....
4) ... that's it.*
How to Don't split up (do you mean "How not to split up"? – ed)
It is important not to mafia things up too much (What are you talking about? – ed). If, for example, you tell your girlfriend that you will be home in an hour, you shouldn't be more than 3 hours late. If you are very late, you'll probably have to make your own tea, and who wants to do that?
When you finally do get home, make sure you're plenty drunk, then you won't really understand what she's saying, or the seriousness of the situation.
Contrary to all you were told in school, lying actually is much easier than telling the truth. Honesty is the best policy only if you want to get in trouble. Make your lie outrageous, so that your girlfriend loses patience and just goes to bed, then you can play with your dog for a few minutes before going to sleep on the sofa (it's easier than trying to get in bed next to your girlfriend).
Doctor Pon doesn't know quite why, but his experience tells him never to use any of these phrases again when returning home late at night:
"I was in the pub so that I wouldn't be in your way while you cleaned the house... and by the way you haven't done a very thorough job."
"Yeah I am late, but maybe you talk too much."
"The thing is, I enjoy drinking beer a lot."
"The truth is, there was an escaped tiger patrolling outside the pub door, so I couldn't leave. Eventually I thought, enough is enough, I miss my girlfriend, so I went outside and killed it with a packet of peanuts... Do you want a peanut, darling?"
"You waited three hours for me? I wait at least three hours for you every time we go out."
"Sorry I'm home late. A cup of tea would be lovely."
"I was watching the football. And before you say it – Yes, I do like football more than you"
"You look beautiful tonight... Not as beautiful as that lap dancer though."
"Do you remember what you said to me last time I came home this late and this drunk? Becuase I do so there's no need to say it again... Got any crisps?"
"Maybe you're the one who is three hours late."
"Sorry, I can't remember your name"
"I think your watch is wrong."
"I know, I know, but please calm down... Got any beer?"
"Time is a relative concept. Ask Einstein"
"I'm late AND I smell of beer? You're quite astute"
"Oh bollocks. I thought I was walking to the Red Lion. I must have come back here by mistake. Still you've caught me now."
"Sorry I'm late, darling, but I think you're over-reacting. My other girlfriend doesn't get nearly as angry as you do."
Doctor Pon also advises against repeating everything your girlfriend says, but using a high pitch voice. It is funny, not doubt about it, but females tend not to appreciate male humour properly.
More advice soon.
*Doctor Pon stole the "er ... that's it" bit from Private Eye. Everything else is a Doctor Pon original.
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