The Hanoi mafia seems to have been disbanded, after its head, "Fatty-boy Phil", renounced a life of crime to return to gardening. He has claimed that his real love has always been growing orchids, and only turned to crime 'for a bit of a laugh'.
However, there has been speculation that the real reason for ceasing operations is because of an internal power struggle. Beer-loving "Red Matt", generally acknowledged as being the second-in-command, had tried to seize control from Fatty-boy Phil.
This was unsuccessful, and Red Matt has since fled the country. It is possible that he is trying to get to the moon, because he believes in a prophecy which states that he will one day become its owner.
Red Matt had served ably, but fell out with Fatty-boy Phil because of disagreement over the use of 'mafia' as a verb.
Fatty-boy Phil insisted that 'to mafia things up' could be used without being grammatically incorrect, but Red Matt maintained that a better sentence was 'to increase the severity of a situation in a way befitting of the mafia'. Another prominent member, Ox "The Ox" Smallboy, had never commented on the grammaticality of the sentence, but it is believed that he would accept its validity, on condition that it was acknowledged as being a phrasal verb, not a verb by itself.
The conflict between Fatty-boy Phil and Red Matt got out of control last night after a few too many "bia hoi", and led to much name calling, and throwing of choco-pies (which are a bit like Wagon Wheels, but shit.) The pair then proceeded to mafia-things up between themselves.
Fatty-boy Phil apparently has bruised his leg, after a disastrous Klinsmann, which was meant as a show of strength. Red Matt is also believed to have taunted Fatty-boy Phil by repeatedly shouting "pile-on!" which made Fatty-boy Phil very tired, as he had an obligation to join every pile-on in accordance with the schoolboy code. There are rumours that Red Matt also used the rarer form of "bundle", but these are unsubstantiated.
The future of the Hanoi Mafia is uncertain, but it may once again rise under the leadership of Ox "The Ox" Smallboy. However, this may not happen as The Ox may not even be aware that he is a member.
News source: This blog, obviously.
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