Saturday, 30 May 2009

Book Summaries

Doctor Pon has read more books than anybody he knows, except Tara who has obviously read more, and so here he provides a summary of some books for you to enjoy.

The Bible* (God, Prophets, Disciples, Angels et al): There is a God, and He is great

The Urban Bible (Doctor Pon, unpublished*): God's the main man, the illest brother, the realest, and you'd better recognise. (The) Word.
Big up to my boy JC.
Big up all the meek rude boys.
Keep it real on the Sabbath.

The God Delusion (Richard Dawkins): There's no God.

God is not Great (Christopher Hitchens): There's no God, and I've known that for ages, therefore I am the most cleverest man what I know.

Letters to a Christian Nation (Sam Harris): There's no God, and you're all stupid for thinking there is.

The Stuff of Thought (Steven Pinker): Isn't language great? Incidentally, it proves there's no God.

By Hook or By Crook (David Crystal): Isn't language great? And the bible serves as a useful example of how words that would otherwise have become archaic can survive in a modern language.

Words, Words, Words (David Crystal): Words, words, words.

Oxford English Dictionary: More words than even David Crystal.

Grotesque (Natsuo Kirino)***: Grotesque is ostensibly a crime novel by Japanese writer Natsuo Kirino, most famous for her novel Out. It was published in English in 2007, translated by Rebecca Copeland. Publisher Knopf censored the American translation, removing a section involving underage male prostitution, as it was considered too taboo for U. S. audiences.The book is written in the first person for all parts and follows a woman whose sister and old school friend have been murdered. The narrator of Grotesque is unnamed and forever lives under the shadow of her younger-by-a-year sister Yuriko, who is unimaginably beautiful and the center of all attention. The narrator hates her sister for reasons which remain more-or-less unclear throughout the novel and the writer leaves it to the reader to decide if the narrator's hatred is a product of jealousy or because Yuriko has turned to prostitution and disgraced the family name.
While the narrator is smart, responsible and plain looking, Yuriko is strikingly beautiful but flighty and irresponsible. Despite this, everyone is automatically drawn to Yuriko, who, as soon as she is old enough to realize her power on men, starts toying with one man after another, subsequently turning into a full time prostitute. As the novel progresses, the reader is introduced to many other characters with whom the narrator comes in contact at her highly prestigious Q High School.
With time, the narrator grows to hate everyone including all her classmates, her parents and all her co-workers. She is particularly spiteful when it comes to Yuriko and one of her classmates Kazue Sato.
When both Yuriko and Kazue turn into prostitutes, are murdered less than a year apart and in the same gruesome fashion, and the narrator comes in possession of their personal journals, her life is entwined with theirs and she uncovers truths which she never thought existed. The journals take her on a journey of self discovery where she finally realizes what she wants. She also adopts Yuriko's handsome but blind son, Yurio.
In the end, the narrator is seen treading the streets of Japan, looking for a customer as she delves into the mysterious and dark world of prostitution.

* Actually, the Bible is loads of books. Doctor Pon hasn't really read them all. He has just accepted what he was taught as a child without questioning it, and summarised it here.
** Possibly made up for the purpose of this blog
*** This summary stolen from Wikipedia. Why not check Wikipedia to see how Doctor Pon writes complete bollocks and posts these articles as if they were fact. See for example The three-tailed blind cat of East Northampton and Marvin Gaye: Gaye by name, gay by nature?

Friday, 29 May 2009

Bum Bandits - A Guide

Doctor Pon, like most men, fears bum bandits.
But is this fear caused by lack of knowledge of their mysterious and perhaps painful activities that take place when the sun goes down?
Doctor Pon investigates...

What is a bum bandit?

Bum bandit is a term which originated in 19th century America, and has recently been brought back into popular usage.
It refers to a homeless man who is a robber.
The British equivalent is tramp thief.

What do bum bandits do?

Bum bandits typically sit in shop doorways and ask passers-by for change for a cup of tea. If the passer-by stops to get some change, the bum bandit will steal their shoe laces. The unfortunate victim generally doesn't realise until much later.
In the early hours of each morning, a group of bum bandits (technically known as a band of bandits) will gather in a park and compare shoe laces. Then all laces are pooled and re-distributed evenly between members, and they are tied together to make small dogs or used as fake beards.

Bum bandit subcultures

There is a sub-culture of bum bandits will also attempt to steal jewelry worn on the hand. These people are known as ring pirates.

Another group will offer to do small gardening jobs for you at a seemingly reasonable cost, but on condition that your garden is on a slope and they begin at the bottom and work upwards. These people are known as uphill gardeners.

One group will wait in supermarkets and offer to put your shopping in bags for a small fee. However, they will leave most of the shopping at the till, and put only sugary snacks in bags. These people are fudge packers.

One group specialises in stealing clothes made for the upper-body. These people are shirt-lifters.

Finally, there is one man who will charge your American mate Harry 12 quid for 4 small bottles of Irn-bru. He is known as Mr Raj Patel who owns the little shop opposite Waterloo Station.

Friday, 15 May 2009

Melon's back!

This is Doctor Pon's bestest film ever.

"When I first saw this I wept tears of joy. The second time I thought he should mafia it up a bit" Martin Scorsese

"Better than any Japanese manga"
Sato Zyuniti

"Melon's majesty proves there is a God after all"
Richard Dawkins

"Just a squirrel, innit?"
Drunk Londoner

Tuesday, 12 May 2009

Who is Doctor Pon?

Doctor Pon has received literally one e-mail recently.

It was from a Nigerian prince, who due to some back luck, has had to transfer millions of dollars away from his home country to an overseas account.

Doctor Pon was carefully chosen and found to be a trustworthy friend of this prince, and so the prince is going to to give the money to Doctor Pon, but only to look after, and then give Doctor Pon 20% of his riches once he is safe! All the prince needs is Doctor Pon's account details, mother's maiden name and home address, plus credit card number and signature.

But Doctor Pon is no fool. He thought this could be a scam, and did his research.
He wrote an e-mail to the prince, asking "Is this a scam?".
The prince replied "Of course not, Jeremy, my trusted friend".
So now Doctor Pon is waiting to recieve millions.

By while waiting Doctor Pon thought that perhaps people would like to learn more about him. Perhaps they wouldn't, but Doctor Pon hasn't considered that.

Doctor Pon's real name is obviously not Doctor Pon.

Doctor is a title, not a name.

However, Doctor Pon did hear a story about an army couple whose surname was Perkins. They named their child Major.

He followed the family tradition and joined the army, hoping to be promoted up to Sergeant, thus Sergeant Major Perkins. However, he was a rubbish soldier, and after 22 years in the army, left as Lance-corporal.

Doctor Pon also heard a story about another couple whose surname was Andmechanicalengineers. They named their son Theroyalregimentofelectrical. He became a dentist.

Pon is Doctor Pon's first name and surname, because he's Indonesian, or if not Indonesian, he comes from somewhere where people use only one name. Maybe Vatican city?

The title of Doctor was awarded to him upon completion of the course of Keeping it real studies, from the University of Bolloxville, somewhere in America.

Doctor Pon learnt by post, because it was long before e-mail had been invented, way back in 2006.

The course cost $30 and his doctorate is certified as genuine by bad boy colleges for gangstaaaaas worldwide, recognised and acredited by the Federation of G Universites.

As well as becoming a doctor, the university gave him permission to big up his status for the next 20 years.

Doctor Pon also used to put MBE and KGB after his name, until he recieved a polite but firm letter from the British government, and a threat from a hard-looking Russian guy.

Doctor Pon has three sons:
Pon Pon (64),
Pon Pon Pon (24),
and Dave (3 months).

P.S. A prize for anyone who works out the pattern of line spacing in this document.
Suggestions in the comments box, unless you're scared.

Sunday, 10 May 2009

Doctor X

Don't forget to visit Doctor X for all the relationship advice you need.
New letters published everyday!

(Not everyday, but sometimes)

Saturday, 9 May 2009

Doctor X is back

Doctor Pon's evil cousin, Doctor X, has returned.
He'll answer all your relationship (that's a euphemism for sex) questions without a trace of embarrassment.
His advice is the best you'll get, so if you need some help, ask Doctor X!

However, he can't guarantee that he won't steal posts from the Doctor Pon site now and then, and just change a few words and pretend it's all new content.

The site is so good, it has a warning from google.

Doctor Pon's guide to being a teacher

Not everyone is a teacher, but everyone is learning.

If you want to be a good teacher, you've got to be able to make crap like that up without a moment's notice.

Doctor Pon can make you a better teacher, if you follow his ten tips:

1) Most kids are annoying, and frequently have snotty noses. Teach adults instead.

2) Noe how too spel.

3) Know your subject. For example, if you don't really understand how punctuation works, you shouldn't teach it. Write a book about how to use punctuation instead.

4) Videos and DVDs are not only good teaching aids, but also allow you to have a snooze for 20 minutes or so while the kids are distracted.

5) Kids will fight. Make it more entertaining by having bets in the staff room about who will fight and when.

6) About 10% of the children you teach will have a genuine interest in learning. Talk to their parents and try to have them moved to a private school.

7) Get a teaching assistant. Let them teach most of the time, but justify it by saying: "It's good for you to experience teaching in a friendly environment before you start out on your own."

8) Be possessive about your coffee cup.

9) Become a lefty. By this, I mean become left-handed, However, you should also have left-wing political views.

10) Count the days until retirement.

Friday, 8 May 2009

How to mafia up your tea

Everyone loves a cup of tea. That's a fact, and it has been proven by science.

But sometimes you need to mafia it up a bit, and here's how to do it:

First go to a south London cafe that really should have been closed down by food hygiene inspectors years ago.

Walk in and say loudly: "Mornin' everyone" (say this at any time of day)

Greet the waiter/waitress with "Alright Eddie?"

A good waiter/waitress will respond with "Mustn't grumble, do I?" or "What? On my wages?" or something equally nonsensical.

Then the conversation should go something like this:

Eddie: "What you having then Phil? Usual is it?"
You: "Yes please Eddie."
Eddie: "Oh. ... What's that then?"
You: "Tell you what, I'll just have a cup of tea please. No sugar."

When the tea comes, loudly ask if there is any sugar in it. The answer should be no.

Later, loudly say: "I don't like sugar in my tea"

Then, put some sugar in your tea, loudly saying: "I'm putting sugar in my tea, even though I don't like it."

Repeat this step until your tea is mafia-ed up enough for you.

Repeat the whole process everyday, until you're recognised as a person who likes to mafia up their tea.

Tuesday, 5 May 2009

Snoop Dogg recalls the time he met Doctor Pon

Transcript of an interview between Snoop Dogg and an unnamed interviewer

Snoop Dogg:
Yeah, that's right. Big Snoop Dogg all up in this interview man. Keeping it real with my man Doctor Pon. Shout out to my boys in Brooklyn, shout out to my crews in Cali (continues for 10 minutes - Ed)

So one day, way back in the day maybe 15 - 20 years ago, I see this white dude walking 'round my hood. I'm think ' Man, what's a white dude doing walking 'round my hood?" but you know big Snoop Dogg, he got time for all you mutha f**kas, so I said "Yo mutha f**ka, you want some of my crack?" And you know what he said? "No sir, I'm not gay"
Mutha f**ka, speaking like the goddam King of England or some sh*t. I said "No, mutha f**ka, I ain't talking about no ass crack, I be talking about crack crack"

But he didn't want no crack, fo' shizzle. He started talking all this crazy sh*t, making all this noise (probably English - Ed), talking real fast, and this car went by, stereo on real loud. So I'm hearing all this music, and all these words, and I thought "Yeah, I gotta record this shit".
About a week later, I traded my crack for a microphone, and started making all this noise, and sold records and broke records man. Now I'm a mutha-f**kin' millionaire.

And you dig my threads? That Doctor Pon G made me hip to this style. One day me and the Doctor were just chillin on the corner with a forty, when the mutha-f**kin sky starts making all this rain sh*t appear, well Doctor Pon, he dry because he's half duck or some sh*t, but my clothes all wet through. So the Doctor told me that he got some spare clothes in his car, but they really big 'cus Doctor Pon, he got to be like 3 metres tall or some sh*t, so they really baggy on me. But these ho's say my clothes look good. So I made Doctor Pon my adviser for clothes and sh*t. Check this out, I give him the job title of "Head G Nizzle". That's right man. He be the realest.
I ain't be rained on since, because I always carry an umbrella


Snoop Dogg:
Fo' the drizzle.

You know the moon landing? It was Doctor Pon man. He knows all about that space sh*t. Flying machines and rockets, man that brother's crazy.
He discovered the sun.

Yes. Well... Thank you very much for your time.

Snoop Dogg:
You know me. 'Sup.

Actually, now that your recording equipment is off, I'd like to apologise for all of the profanity that I used throughout the interview, it's just, that's what my fans expect. In fact it's very difficult to express myself eloquently in that limited style, but that's what has made me rich. I can't bite the hand that feeds me.

Actually, it's still recording

Snoop Dogg:
Yeah, yeah, Snoop Dogg's just jokin' for the mutha-f**kin' lstener. Talkin' all the proper English sh*t. I ought to pop an ass in your cap. I mean cap in your ass.

Friday, 1 May 2009

Swine Flu - What that?

Doctor Pon knows all about swine flu, and not just because he eats like a pig and lives in a pigsty (both according to his girlfriend). No Doctor Pon knows because he is a Doctor. Probably.

Swine flu is found in three main strains: Red swine flu, White swine flu and Sparkling swine flu. There is a mutation similar to Sparkling swine flu known as Schampagne flu, but this exists only in certain regions.

All give you a headache.

Some claim that these types of flu originated with the Shaolin Kung-Flu and have adapted over time.

Another theory is that all flu strains mutated from a single flu found in tree branches immediately above the nests of parasitic, dove-sized birds. This has become known as 'the one flu over the cukoo's nest' theory.

What to do:

If you contract swine flu, the correct procedure is to get quite ill. Dying is optional.