Doctor Pon, like most men, fears bum bandits.
But is this fear caused by lack of knowledge of their mysterious and perhaps painful activities that take place when the sun goes down?
Doctor Pon investigates...
What is a bum bandit?
Bum bandit is a term which originated in 19th century America, and has recently been brought back into popular usage.
It refers to a homeless man who is a robber.
The British equivalent is tramp thief.
What do bum bandits do?
Bum bandits typically sit in shop doorways and ask passers-by for change for a cup of tea. If the passer-by stops to get some change, the bum bandit will steal their shoe laces. The unfortunate victim generally doesn't realise until much later.
In the early hours of each morning, a group of bum bandits (technically known as a band of bandits) will gather in a park and compare shoe laces. Then all laces are pooled and re-distributed evenly between members, and they are tied together to make small dogs or used as fake beards.
Bum bandit subcultures
There is a sub-culture of bum bandits will also attempt to steal jewelry worn on the hand. These people are known as ring pirates.
Another group will offer to do small gardening jobs for you at a seemingly reasonable cost, but on condition that your garden is on a slope and they begin at the bottom and work upwards. These people are known as uphill gardeners.
One group will wait in supermarkets and offer to put your shopping in bags for a small fee. However, they will leave most of the shopping at the till, and put only sugary snacks in bags. These people are fudge packers.
One group specialises in stealing clothes made for the upper-body. These people are shirt-lifters.
Finally, there is one man who will charge your American mate Harry 12 quid for 4 small bottles of Irn-bru. He is known as Mr Raj Patel who owns the little shop opposite Waterloo Station.
Good work, Pon. A comprehensive guide to the world of Bum Bandits and their wily ways. However you forgot to mention one other group of associates...
ReplyDeleteThere are those who gather in furniture stores such as IKEA, who, lacking a home of their own, exploit many of the products in an effort to experience that which they do not have. They are often seen 'trying out' a luxurious 4-poster double bed, for example. Tired and hungry from the lack of a roof over their heads, they resort to eating cushions for sustenance. These sorry cases are known in the Bum Bandit underworld as Pillow Biters.
I can see you're still not bitter about the Irn-Bru incident... that's good :) Nice informative article, thanks. I shall be wary of these "bum bandits". I heard of another type that fashion horses out of old door knobs, sit on them and race them about... I can't remember what theyre called though.
ReplyDeleteWhat about the honest hard working relatives of the bum bandits that come from the Welsh valleys and spend their days extracting the precious marmite ore from from the numerous sub0surface marmite seams found around Abergaveny.
ReplyDeleteOne of the most common types these days are housebreakers who prefer to avoid the main street and come in across the garden instead. This means that they have to use the door behind the house, which has lead to them being called bum bandits.
ReplyDelete