Hanoi Mafia – What's going on?

The latest news from Hanoi suggests that the Hanoi Mafia have been replaced by an even more sinister gang known as 'The Pineapple Girls'.

The Pineapple Girls menace foreigners in Hanoi by attempting to sell small pieces of pineapple in tiny yellow plastic bags. If the foreigner does not want pineapple, they will immediately take their baskets and put it on the foreigner's shoulders with the words 'photo take photo photo photo you want photo'. They may also put a hat on the foreigner's head, possibly for their own amusement or maybe for a more sinister reason.

According to The Pineapple Girls' code of honour, a Pineappler (as a member is called) must follow a foreigner until the foreigner gives in and buys some pineapple, or until either she or the foreigner gets hit by a motorbike. It is believed that Pineapplers hustle over 20,000,000 'whiteys' every minute.

Hanoi has, quite literally, a lot of pineapples. This is because in August 2008 a pineapple grower from Queensland, Australia, called Geoff Handface agreed to sell his entire annual crop for the next 10 years to the Pineapple Girls of Hanoi. The agreed price was 1,000,000 dong. Geoff Handface agreed because he thought it was a lot of money. It's not.
However, Geoff Handface inserted a clause in the sales contract which stipulated that while the pineapples could be sold anywhere, they could not be called pineapples. Thus the Pineapple girls of Hanoi will approach foreigners using words such as 'pnnappler', ' pananap' and 'banaptle'.

Doctor Pon's informant in Hanoi approached leader of the Hanoi Mafia, Ox 'The Ox' Smallboy, to try to gather more information.

Informant: "Alright Ox? What's going on? Are you still mafia-ing things up?"
Ox: "You want bia hoi another one more?"
Informant: "Go on then. Don't mafia it up though"
(Ox walks away, to return in less than a minute with a glass of piss-like beer)
Informant drinks some beer, then shouts at 'The Ox': "Did you mafia this bia up?"
Ox: "You want bia hoi another one more?"
(repeats about five times – then informant leaves with no real information, but a happy feeling and a slightly light head)

Rumours suggest that the Hanoi Mafia is no longer a player in the underworld politics of Hanoi, but the groups to watch now are The Pineapple Girls and sometime collaborators The Old Women Selling Overpriced Hats Crew.