Things to do

Buy a pharyngoscope.

Offend a close friend.

Steal from WH Smith.

Learn a new skill, for example knitting, and when you are suitably proficient, never use that skill again.

Buy a cd from Woolworths (or whatever shop has replaced it now that it doesn't exist), leave the shop, return within 2 minutes to exchange it for another cd. Repeat until security are called. When security arrive, start crying.

Study cryptozoology.

Flush the toilet, then say 'That's another 6 to 10 litres of water down the drain.' Then laugh.

Poke fun at dogs.

Poke a dog for fun (or a panda if no dogs are around)

Grow orchids.

Become an internet pirate. To do this, stick a modem up your arse, glue a parrot to your shoulder and say 'arrrhhh'. Also grow a wooden leg and hijack ships and / or internets.

Stare into the abyss.

Stand up when listening to Eminem. Do it often enough and eventually you'll stand up when he sings "Will the real Slim Shady please stand up?" Then you can claim to be the real Slim Shady. (Note: This would have been much easier above 5 years ago, when radio 1 seemed to play the song every hour or so. Still if you're an internet pirate (see above) then you can probably get the song anyway. Make sure you stand up though.)

Write a blog.

Pretend you come from Ireland, and your name is Pete Blogg.

Write a book about punctuation.

Seriously misunderstand the nature of language change.

Have a piss.

Really hate iTunes because it's such a resource hog, then buy a new computer and realise iTunes is actually really good.

Don't push me because I'm close to the edge.

Do some work instead of making up 'things to do lists' while sitting downstairs where the boss can't see you.