"In English a double negative forms a positive.
I haven't got no money = I have some money
In some languages, such as Russian, a double negative is still a negative.
However, there is no language wherein a double positive can form a negative."
Yeah, right.
Sunday, 7 June 2009
MPs Expenses - What's the fuss?
People are understandably annoyed about British MPs abusing the spirit of the law by claiming for all sorts of unnecessary expenses.
Doctor Pon's not really that bothered though, because he doesn't pay tax in Britain. But he is slightly annoyed that he didn't think of becoming an MP to take advantage of it himself. Too late now.
Frankly, tax-paying Brits should be grateful. At least British MPs pretend that they are sorry and offer to repay the money.
In one medium sized Asian country (which rhymes with Pie-land) politicians usually treat becoming a law-maker as a right to steal.
Doctor Pon is sorry that this isn't particularly funny. It is true though.
Edit: Members of Parliament - MPs or MsP?
and for that matter GCsSE too.
Doctor Pon's not really that bothered though, because he doesn't pay tax in Britain. But he is slightly annoyed that he didn't think of becoming an MP to take advantage of it himself. Too late now.
Frankly, tax-paying Brits should be grateful. At least British MPs pretend that they are sorry and offer to repay the money.
In one medium sized Asian country (which rhymes with Pie-land) politicians usually treat becoming a law-maker as a right to steal.
Doctor Pon is sorry that this isn't particularly funny. It is true though.
Edit: Members of Parliament - MPs or MsP?
and for that matter GCsSE too.
Friday, 5 June 2009
Doctor Pon's first piece of hate mail
Doctor Pon has recently started a Facebook account.
For those of you who don't know what a Facebook is, it's a massive book full of human faces. You open an account, and when you die your face is physically removed and added to this book.
You have to invite friends to join so that they can verify that you are not dead.
Someone told Doctor Pon that Facebook is a film where John Travolta becomes Nicholas Cage, but that doesn't sound very likely. He might have been thinking of Saturday Night Fever, where John Travolta becomes a dancer.
Using his Facebook account, Doctor Pon thought it would be funny to invite not only his friend (who sometimes uses the pseudonyms Phat Millips or Red Matt) but also everyone else that he could find with the same name.
After about 4 requests, Doctor Pon got bored. However he was amused by the various captcha phrases which apperead, one of which was "Vietnam Hat".
Later on Doctor Pon tried again with a different name, adding a witty comment on each request.
One comment said "You look much bigger than you did at college. And didn't you used to be white? Perhaps you're a different Alex Dale from the one I knew" (name not changed to conceal identity)
Now not everyone realises that Doctor Pon is a cheeky scamp who loves nothing than a bit of mischief, and so the next day Doctor Pon recieved this reply:
FU## OFF
Doctor Pon assumes he meant Fuck off.
And if so, it probably is the same person Doctor Pon knew from college.
If this article amused you, why not post a libelous comment?
For those of you who don't know what a Facebook is, it's a massive book full of human faces. You open an account, and when you die your face is physically removed and added to this book.
You have to invite friends to join so that they can verify that you are not dead.
Someone told Doctor Pon that Facebook is a film where John Travolta becomes Nicholas Cage, but that doesn't sound very likely. He might have been thinking of Saturday Night Fever, where John Travolta becomes a dancer.
Using his Facebook account, Doctor Pon thought it would be funny to invite not only his friend (who sometimes uses the pseudonyms Phat Millips or Red Matt) but also everyone else that he could find with the same name.
After about 4 requests, Doctor Pon got bored. However he was amused by the various captcha phrases which apperead, one of which was "Vietnam Hat".
Later on Doctor Pon tried again with a different name, adding a witty comment on each request.
One comment said "You look much bigger than you did at college. And didn't you used to be white? Perhaps you're a different Alex Dale from the one I knew" (name not changed to conceal identity)
Now not everyone realises that Doctor Pon is a cheeky scamp who loves nothing than a bit of mischief, and so the next day Doctor Pon recieved this reply:
FU## OFF
Doctor Pon assumes he meant Fuck off.
And if so, it probably is the same person Doctor Pon knew from college.
If this article amused you, why not post a libelous comment?
Monday, 1 June 2009
Interview with Richard Dawkins
This interview was carried out on the 29th May, via telephone.
It has taken Doctor Pon a while to type it, because he is lazy.
Some content has been edited to ensure Doctor Pon doesn't get in trouble with his girlfriend, his wife, or receive letters from various solicitors or Christopher Hitchens.
Richard Dawkins (RD): Hello?
Doctor Pon (DP): Hello, am I speaking to Richard Dawkins?
(RD): Ummm, no actually. Can't you tell from my voice? I'm obviously female. And can't you tell from the phone book entry on your mobile? The one that says ********, we were just talking about this. Is our whole relationship based on lies and ignorance?
(DP): No petal... Well, some of it may be. But you know I'm not very good at using a phone.
(not RD): Ask John to help. Is he there?
(DP): Yeah, he is. See you tonight then.
(not RD): Bye.
Second phone call
(RD): Yo, who dis is? Who dis?
(DP): It's yo' boy DP. Keepin' it real since back in the day. (continues like this for ages. Far too much to type)
(DP): So, would you challenge God to a fight?
(RD): I'm not a violent person really.
(DP): Could you beat Christopher Hitchens in an arm wrestle?
(RD): I think so, but only becuase he is always smoking. I would take advantage of addictive habit to distract him, or wait until he's out of breath.
(DP): Daniel Denett has got a great beard.
(RD): Yes. That's not really a question is it though Doctor?
(DP): OK, I'll rephrase it. Do you think Daniel Denett has got a great beard?
(RD): Fuck yeah!
(DP): Is God great?
(RD): Well, He's alright really. I just wrote those books as a bit of a laugh, just a bit of an in-joke between me, the Father and JC.
(DP): How about Vishnu?
(RD) Never met him.
The rest of this article has been cut for being libelous. Again.
It has taken Doctor Pon a while to type it, because he is lazy.
Some content has been edited to ensure Doctor Pon doesn't get in trouble with his girlfriend, his wife, or receive letters from various solicitors or Christopher Hitchens.
Richard Dawkins (RD): Hello?
Doctor Pon (DP): Hello, am I speaking to Richard Dawkins?
(RD): Ummm, no actually. Can't you tell from my voice? I'm obviously female. And can't you tell from the phone book entry on your mobile? The one that says ********, we were just talking about this. Is our whole relationship based on lies and ignorance?
(DP): No petal... Well, some of it may be. But you know I'm not very good at using a phone.
(not RD): Ask John to help. Is he there?
(DP): Yeah, he is. See you tonight then.
(not RD): Bye.
Second phone call
(RD): Yo, who dis is? Who dis?
(DP): It's yo' boy DP. Keepin' it real since back in the day. (continues like this for ages. Far too much to type)
(DP): So, would you challenge God to a fight?
(RD): I'm not a violent person really.
(DP): Could you beat Christopher Hitchens in an arm wrestle?
(RD): I think so, but only becuase he is always smoking. I would take advantage of addictive habit to distract him, or wait until he's out of breath.
(DP): Daniel Denett has got a great beard.
(RD): Yes. That's not really a question is it though Doctor?
(DP): OK, I'll rephrase it. Do you think Daniel Denett has got a great beard?
(RD): Fuck yeah!
(DP): Is God great?
(RD): Well, He's alright really. I just wrote those books as a bit of a laugh, just a bit of an in-joke between me, the Father and JC.
(DP): How about Vishnu?
(RD) Never met him.
The rest of this article has been cut for being libelous. Again.
Saturday, 30 May 2009
Book Summaries
Doctor Pon has read more books than anybody he knows, except Tara who has obviously read more, and so here he provides a summary of some books for you to enjoy.
The Bible* (God, Prophets, Disciples, Angels et al): There is a God, and He is great
The Urban Bible (Doctor Pon, unpublished*): God's the main man, the illest brother, the realest, and you'd better recognise. (The) Word.
Big up to my boy JC.
Big up all the meek rude boys.
Keep it real on the Sabbath.
The God Delusion (Richard Dawkins): There's no God.
God is not Great (Christopher Hitchens): There's no God, and I've known that for ages, therefore I am the most cleverest man what I know.
Letters to a Christian Nation (Sam Harris): There's no God, and you're all stupid for thinking there is.
The Stuff of Thought (Steven Pinker): Isn't language great? Incidentally, it proves there's no God.
By Hook or By Crook (David Crystal): Isn't language great? And the bible serves as a useful example of how words that would otherwise have become archaic can survive in a modern language.
Words, Words, Words (David Crystal): Words, words, words.
Oxford English Dictionary: More words than even David Crystal.
Grotesque (Natsuo Kirino)***: Grotesque is ostensibly a crime novel by Japanese writer Natsuo Kirino, most famous for her novel Out. It was published in English in 2007, translated by Rebecca Copeland. Publisher Knopf censored the American translation, removing a section involving underage male prostitution, as it was considered too taboo for U. S. audiences.The book is written in the first person for all parts and follows a woman whose sister and old school friend have been murdered. The narrator of Grotesque is unnamed and forever lives under the shadow of her younger-by-a-year sister Yuriko, who is unimaginably beautiful and the center of all attention. The narrator hates her sister for reasons which remain more-or-less unclear throughout the novel and the writer leaves it to the reader to decide if the narrator's hatred is a product of jealousy or because Yuriko has turned to prostitution and disgraced the family name.
While the narrator is smart, responsible and plain looking, Yuriko is strikingly beautiful but flighty and irresponsible. Despite this, everyone is automatically drawn to Yuriko, who, as soon as she is old enough to realize her power on men, starts toying with one man after another, subsequently turning into a full time prostitute. As the novel progresses, the reader is introduced to many other characters with whom the narrator comes in contact at her highly prestigious Q High School.
With time, the narrator grows to hate everyone including all her classmates, her parents and all her co-workers. She is particularly spiteful when it comes to Yuriko and one of her classmates Kazue Sato.
When both Yuriko and Kazue turn into prostitutes, are murdered less than a year apart and in the same gruesome fashion, and the narrator comes in possession of their personal journals, her life is entwined with theirs and she uncovers truths which she never thought existed. The journals take her on a journey of self discovery where she finally realizes what she wants. She also adopts Yuriko's handsome but blind son, Yurio.
In the end, the narrator is seen treading the streets of Japan, looking for a customer as she delves into the mysterious and dark world of prostitution.
* Actually, the Bible is loads of books. Doctor Pon hasn't really read them all. He has just accepted what he was taught as a child without questioning it, and summarised it here.
** Possibly made up for the purpose of this blog
*** This summary stolen from Wikipedia. Why not check Wikipedia to see how Doctor Pon writes complete bollocks and posts these articles as if they were fact. See for example The three-tailed blind cat of East Northampton and Marvin Gaye: Gaye by name, gay by nature?
The Bible* (God, Prophets, Disciples, Angels et al): There is a God, and He is great
The Urban Bible (Doctor Pon, unpublished*): God's the main man, the illest brother, the realest, and you'd better recognise. (The) Word.
Big up to my boy JC.
Big up all the meek rude boys.
Keep it real on the Sabbath.
The God Delusion (Richard Dawkins): There's no God.
God is not Great (Christopher Hitchens): There's no God, and I've known that for ages, therefore I am the most cleverest man what I know.
Letters to a Christian Nation (Sam Harris): There's no God, and you're all stupid for thinking there is.
The Stuff of Thought (Steven Pinker): Isn't language great? Incidentally, it proves there's no God.
By Hook or By Crook (David Crystal): Isn't language great? And the bible serves as a useful example of how words that would otherwise have become archaic can survive in a modern language.
Words, Words, Words (David Crystal): Words, words, words.
Oxford English Dictionary: More words than even David Crystal.
Grotesque (Natsuo Kirino)***: Grotesque is ostensibly a crime novel by Japanese writer Natsuo Kirino, most famous for her novel Out. It was published in English in 2007, translated by Rebecca Copeland. Publisher Knopf censored the American translation, removing a section involving underage male prostitution, as it was considered too taboo for U. S. audiences.The book is written in the first person for all parts and follows a woman whose sister and old school friend have been murdered. The narrator of Grotesque is unnamed and forever lives under the shadow of her younger-by-a-year sister Yuriko, who is unimaginably beautiful and the center of all attention. The narrator hates her sister for reasons which remain more-or-less unclear throughout the novel and the writer leaves it to the reader to decide if the narrator's hatred is a product of jealousy or because Yuriko has turned to prostitution and disgraced the family name.
While the narrator is smart, responsible and plain looking, Yuriko is strikingly beautiful but flighty and irresponsible. Despite this, everyone is automatically drawn to Yuriko, who, as soon as she is old enough to realize her power on men, starts toying with one man after another, subsequently turning into a full time prostitute. As the novel progresses, the reader is introduced to many other characters with whom the narrator comes in contact at her highly prestigious Q High School.
With time, the narrator grows to hate everyone including all her classmates, her parents and all her co-workers. She is particularly spiteful when it comes to Yuriko and one of her classmates Kazue Sato.
When both Yuriko and Kazue turn into prostitutes, are murdered less than a year apart and in the same gruesome fashion, and the narrator comes in possession of their personal journals, her life is entwined with theirs and she uncovers truths which she never thought existed. The journals take her on a journey of self discovery where she finally realizes what she wants. She also adopts Yuriko's handsome but blind son, Yurio.
In the end, the narrator is seen treading the streets of Japan, looking for a customer as she delves into the mysterious and dark world of prostitution.
* Actually, the Bible is loads of books. Doctor Pon hasn't really read them all. He has just accepted what he was taught as a child without questioning it, and summarised it here.
** Possibly made up for the purpose of this blog
*** This summary stolen from Wikipedia. Why not check Wikipedia to see how Doctor Pon writes complete bollocks and posts these articles as if they were fact. See for example The three-tailed blind cat of East Northampton and Marvin Gaye: Gaye by name, gay by nature?
Friday, 29 May 2009
Bum Bandits - A Guide
Doctor Pon, like most men, fears bum bandits.
But is this fear caused by lack of knowledge of their mysterious and perhaps painful activities that take place when the sun goes down?
Doctor Pon investigates...
What is a bum bandit?
Bum bandit is a term which originated in 19th century America, and has recently been brought back into popular usage.
It refers to a homeless man who is a robber.
The British equivalent is tramp thief.
What do bum bandits do?
Bum bandits typically sit in shop doorways and ask passers-by for change for a cup of tea. If the passer-by stops to get some change, the bum bandit will steal their shoe laces. The unfortunate victim generally doesn't realise until much later.
In the early hours of each morning, a group of bum bandits (technically known as a band of bandits) will gather in a park and compare shoe laces. Then all laces are pooled and re-distributed evenly between members, and they are tied together to make small dogs or used as fake beards.
Bum bandit subcultures
There is a sub-culture of bum bandits will also attempt to steal jewelry worn on the hand. These people are known as ring pirates.
Another group will offer to do small gardening jobs for you at a seemingly reasonable cost, but on condition that your garden is on a slope and they begin at the bottom and work upwards. These people are known as uphill gardeners.
One group will wait in supermarkets and offer to put your shopping in bags for a small fee. However, they will leave most of the shopping at the till, and put only sugary snacks in bags. These people are fudge packers.
One group specialises in stealing clothes made for the upper-body. These people are shirt-lifters.
Finally, there is one man who will charge your American mate Harry 12 quid for 4 small bottles of Irn-bru. He is known as Mr Raj Patel who owns the little shop opposite Waterloo Station.
But is this fear caused by lack of knowledge of their mysterious and perhaps painful activities that take place when the sun goes down?
Doctor Pon investigates...
What is a bum bandit?
Bum bandit is a term which originated in 19th century America, and has recently been brought back into popular usage.
It refers to a homeless man who is a robber.
The British equivalent is tramp thief.
What do bum bandits do?
Bum bandits typically sit in shop doorways and ask passers-by for change for a cup of tea. If the passer-by stops to get some change, the bum bandit will steal their shoe laces. The unfortunate victim generally doesn't realise until much later.
In the early hours of each morning, a group of bum bandits (technically known as a band of bandits) will gather in a park and compare shoe laces. Then all laces are pooled and re-distributed evenly between members, and they are tied together to make small dogs or used as fake beards.
Bum bandit subcultures
There is a sub-culture of bum bandits will also attempt to steal jewelry worn on the hand. These people are known as ring pirates.
Another group will offer to do small gardening jobs for you at a seemingly reasonable cost, but on condition that your garden is on a slope and they begin at the bottom and work upwards. These people are known as uphill gardeners.
One group will wait in supermarkets and offer to put your shopping in bags for a small fee. However, they will leave most of the shopping at the till, and put only sugary snacks in bags. These people are fudge packers.
One group specialises in stealing clothes made for the upper-body. These people are shirt-lifters.
Finally, there is one man who will charge your American mate Harry 12 quid for 4 small bottles of Irn-bru. He is known as Mr Raj Patel who owns the little shop opposite Waterloo Station.
Friday, 15 May 2009
Melon's back!
This is Doctor Pon's bestest film ever.
"When I first saw this I wept tears of joy. The second time I thought he should mafia it up a bit" Martin Scorsese
"Better than any Japanese manga"
Sato Zyuniti
"Melon's majesty proves there is a God after all"
Richard Dawkins
"Just a squirrel, innit?"
Drunk Londoner
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