RIP Jimmy Saville

Jimmy Saville died recently, and that caused Doctor Pon much sadness.
When Doctor Pon heard the news, he was very sad. Sometimes when Doctor Pon thinks about Jimmy Saville, he is still sad.
Below is a time line of when Doctor Pon thinks he was the saddest:

Now    Then    Now    Then    Now    Then

Jimmy Saville did a lot of good work in his life, but if he had not been on tv, and you met him in a pub, you'd be suspicious.

Some facts, all definitely true:

He was the first man to use two turntables and a microphone.

He was a professional wrestler.

He got a starred first from Oxford in Politics, Philosophy, and Economics

He invented the toaster.

There is a small plastic model of him in a spirit house in Southern Thailand.

He could spin on his head.

Jim once 'fixed' an enemy of mine.

Once he knocked out Bob the builder for trying to muscle in on the 'fix it' gig.

He was good friends with Jon Bon Jovi, and recorded backing vocals on Blaze of Glory.

His real name was Jimul Ficksit.

He used to say he hated kids so people wouldn't accuse him of being a paedophile.

He taught Michael Jackson how to moon walk.

He taught Peter Jackson how to make films.

He taught Jack Johnson how to play one song on a guitar and keep repeating it and pretending it's a different song.

He hated pandas.

He painted hamsters.

He was the first man to tell the joke about the guy going to the library to get the book called 'how to commit suicide' and being told by the librarian that he couldn't borrow it as he wouldn't bring it back.

He began the Prachinburi river dolphin hoax.



Doctor Pon hopes you have enjoyed these facts.

Researched by Jason Bourne.            

Riots and Looting

Jeff Savage writes:

Obviously rioting and looting is a laugh. It goes without saying that arson is too. But not when it happens in my home town! which is London or Kent or something.

(Doctor Pon adds: I saw some kids running down the street with stolen boxes of korma, jalfrezei, and vindaloo. I think they misunderstood when I said that some people were robbing Curry's)

So, it's the tories, yeah? They want to reform the NHS? You couldn't make it up! Reform it? They ought to burn the fucker down.

Dave Cameron? You couldn't make him up! He needs reforming. But his wife is another story, I'd happily reform her, and maybe a bit of arse-on wouldn't go amiss.

And Clegg wants to give free palaces to Muslim lesbian immigrants with the right to impose sharia law based on fiqh on their own land and 4.5 hectares surrounding it? You couldn't make it up!

So that's what caused the riots. And this is definitely true and I support or oppose them 100%.

Bring back hanging. It's too good for them.

Actually, no need to bring back hanging, as it's too good for them.

Now I'm going to loot Amazon by smashing my computer screen with a brick. So long fuckers!

Doctor Pon's guide to the economy

There has been a lot of talk about an inescapable world-wide depression lately. It seems a bit unlikely to me. Fair enough, we all get a bit down sometimes, but a world-wide depression? You couldn't make it up! Although, someone obviously has.

Anyway, there has been so much talk of economonys on the news recently, that one excellent blogger has labelled it "economy-porn". Therefore, here are some words you should know:

(the) Eurozone - where Frenchwomen loved to be touched

Double-dip - something to do in the Eurozone

Bounce-back - a last resort activity with a willing Frenchman if there are no willing Frenchwomen available

AAA rating - really soft XXX film

Quantitative easing - the effect a strong cup of coffee has when combined with a fried breakfast and a cigarette

Toxic loans - suppose your mate lends you some money, and you use it to buy a can of Special Brew. That's a toxic loan.

Keynesian endpoint - something he was very proud of

Tax - another word for pins

Debt ceiling - a roof made entirely from things that other people have lent you, and you're obliged to return

Interest rate - giving a grade out of ten for something that you paid attention to, probably on Facebook

Cash cow - the female equivalent of a cheque bull

GDP - Gross domestic products. In the case of Scotland, that's things like haggis and blood pudding.

Greenbacks - A type of frog

Tenner - the highest male voice within the modal register

Now that I have published the bestest A-Z of economic terms, I probably won't have time to write for this blog often, as I'm sure to be offered a job at The Economist. Probably editor.

So, all of you losers can kiss my lagrangian multiplier.

Typical Doctor Pon Blog reader

Google analytics suggests that the kind of person who enjoys reading this blog is likely to fit into one or more of the following categories:

1) a convicted felon and recidivist
2) an Evangelical Christian, Mormon, or Amish Mennonite
3) between 30 and 35 years old
4) a cat owner
5) speak English as a first language, but likely to also speak another language such as Esperanto
6) have arrived at this site by accident, while searching for articles about Christopher Hitchens
7) think that the joke about there being three types of people in the world is the best joke they know
8) is able to quote every line from any version of Bladerunner, but hates the film.

Please leave a comment if you fit more than 3 of these categories. There's really no need to comment if you fit only 1 or 2, as most people will find themselves in that situation.

Clever Satire

I made this.

If you think it's really good, which it obviously is, why not leave no comment?

Sceptic or Skeptic? / My problem with skepticism

To start with I need to declare an interest; I was born in England and I read the Guardian. I might be a socialist, but rest assured I am not trying to destroy America.

Recently, I have seen the word sceptic written as skeptic. Sceptic being the preferred British spelling, skeptic being American. (Why not read this aloud to a friend, and study their confused face?)

Does it matter though? Yes, because I think American English actually does make more sense. As an Englishman, and casual racist, that pains me. Sceptic looks a bit like septic, and that might cause some confusion. If I tell people via a written medium that I am a sceptic, and they thing I am a secptic, they might wonder how I could be a seventh degree equation, and could I be solved by factorizing into radicals, or not. (This won't be funny to most people, but I write for the love, not your amusement)

So from now on, I might use the odd American word or spelling, and gleefully neologize like those crazy Yanks do. However, I will use English pronunciations still, and change my spelling accordingly. My friend Leftenant Dixon from the Royal Core of Signals agrees this is a superb idea.

Now, my problem with skeptics is this: Why so much hostility to homeopaths? I believe that if a man loves a man or a woman loves a woman then they should be free to express it any way they choose, and shame on you all those who say otherwise!



Edit: Another linguistic misunderstanding: Doctor X told me one of his patients claimed his genital warts had gone sceptic, when what he actually meant was 'disgusting'.

Review of 2010

Lots of things happened in 2010. Here’s a selection of some things Doctor Pon has remembered and/or dreamt.

There was an election in the UK. Didn’t affect me though because it’s not as if I live in a country run by a loose-coalition of privileged idiots who are more concerned with maintaining their position than keeping their word.

In Iceland a volcano called fghughuirehigspsrtyuijn erupted which stopped a lot of planes flying. The heat from the eruption caused the global economic meltdown.

In the UK, a load of free-loading, stinking, lazy bastards started protesting because they might have to pay for something in future. Apart from the MPs being angry at expenses reform, students in London also got a bit pissed off, which makes a change from being pissed, which is their usual state.

Snow in the UK made everyone cold, floods where I live meant I had to roll my trousers up when riding my motorbike.

Oil leaked into the sea near America, and as all good Hollywood film directors know, behind every devious crime is an ENGLISHMAN.

Wikileaks published a load of cables. There’s probably a good joke about Vince Cable that I could put in here, or laying a cable which can mean having a shit. I’ll get a junior hack to think of it. One interesting leak was published concerning the Hanoi Mafia, also known more recently as the bia-hoi massive, and the Ox Gangsta Badboy Crew Unit. Due in no part to the Hanoi police, the Hanoi Mafia’s headquarters on that street by the lake have been completely demolished and replaced by a mobile phone shop. Ox ‘The Ox’ Smallboy, after definitively establishing himself as Mafia King (possibly by writing on his knuckles with a pen), has since disappeared. A competing Mafia member, known as ‘Red Matt’, is believed to have fled to America, after being bought by the CIA with promises of really big cars, conspicuous consumption, unnecessary neologisms, and something like 20 series of Law & Order. His current location is unknown, because America is really big.

Some miners got stuck underground in Chile, then got out. Then some miners got stuck underground in New Zealand, and no-one really paid any attention.

Prince William announced he would be getting married to someone, I’ll get a junior hack to get an even more junior hack to check who. I think her name is Annabella. The royal wedding will be on 29^th April next year, which is Phil Halson’s birthday.

I saw an elderly woman riding a motorbike balancing a bottle of water on her head. I don’t know why she was doing this, as there was a basket attached to the front of the bike.

Christopher Hitchens renounced his ‘foolish atheism’ and accepted Jesus as his true, all-redeeming savior. That’s a lie but he did announce that he had a type of cancer, and I didn’t want to make a joke about that. He is stoic, and possibly belligerent about it (I’ll get a senior junior hack to check what these words mean). Hitchens hasn’t got any hair as a result of his chemotherapy, whereas I have no hair because I am going bald prematurely. However, we are both great men.